Thanks for your comment: This is my outlook: I try to be the best person I can be and when I make mistakes, I try to know what I did so I can learn from them. I agree with you that in this case, I do not feel I have even a chance to really learn from it, other than to be very cautious. While I am trying to move forward, I don't want this to haunt me. I do not want to "creep out" people, or repulse them since people are how I will make my living, hopefully one day get married, etc. I guess its a fine line one must walk to be friendly to others while not offending/creeping out people and not talking to people.
Your very much welcome, as somebody on the spectrum I can relate quite a bit to your situation but can only imagine how frustrating this must be right now.
Don't let your head down too much and just keep in mind that we can't get along with everybody, it's not always all your own fault. Sometimes personalities just clash and it's best for everybody to just stay out of each other's way and do their own thing.
This does not mean that somebody is a "bad person" and the other a "good person", it simply means they just don't vibe with each other with no particular fault of anybody involved. So don't feel too guilty about this whole mess, at least as long they can't even be bothered to offer you any specifics about your supposed misbehavior.
Thanks for your comment! Well said! I am looking forward to working as hard as I can and then moving on in a few months when this internship ends. But becoming "tainted" or worse, convicted of a crime is what I am worried about, especially further down the line, when I have a permanent position, a mortgage to pay, or a family to support. I recall in a Planet Money podcast episode an interview with a Wells Fargo banker, who after being pressured to meet new account quotas by opening extra accounts without their customers express desire, was somehow marked when she left her position, and had trouble finding another job in the banking industry. I wonder if anything like this (or perhaps a social credit system) exists, and if it could be corrected/adjusted as spurious information on one's credit report can be taken off.
I have no intent on damaging my career or making others feel uncomfortable, so at this point, keeping my head low, nose to the grindstone, let this pass, is how I will attempt to make these last few months work out. From the comments here, I definitely gained from seeing other's perspectives of the occasional small-talk I was making could be viewed in a way other than what I was intending.
I am happy to provide some more detail. Is there something specific I can provide?
In hindsight, I realize that such a question about weekend plans could be taken the wrong way. I was ultimately trying to be cordial, not to make anyone (male or female) feel I was leading on to them.
On your last point, I am still a virgin now in my early-mid 20s. Never had a girlfriend or been in much of any romantic relationship. I met a girl while traveling, got her info and really connected after we were thousands of miles away over the Internet for a few months, which eventually faded. During college, I chose work and studying over a social life, and in hindsight, I kind of regret it. I definitely feel I am very socially underdeveloped/inexperienced and would love to know how to develop in this area.
Don't worry about the virgin thing - but there is plenty of time to socialise (and now you have the full time $ to support your hobbies which most 20 year olds don't.)
I didn't start drinking until 23 and didn't start going out with friends until 25. I moved city and made all of my friends through the local live music scene, I'm sure you could have similar results.
I think it is different for everyone. But if you feel afraid about anything, work through the fear.
The worst thing that can happen asking for a date, a phone number, a coffee, or sex, is the woman says "No".
Try your best to not get fixated on one, that can lead to unlimited opportunity loss. Pursue women that are reasonably close. I had a GF about 37 miles away in Los Angeles. The driving sucked especially Friday after work. Maybe for Ms. Right it would have worked. But we weren't right for each other. My point is, proximity or propinquity is a huge factor in attraction.
A friend in NYC, whom I had a major crush on, told me it was a numbers game and to go out on some dates. And I can tell you for certain, there is a magic number of dates you have to go on before you find what you're looking for. Unfortunately I can't tell you what the magic number is. (Same thing applies to finding a job, btw)
Start figuring out what you want, but more important is what you have to offer. Don't go too deep on those lists at first, you'll figure that out as you go.
When I decided to take my friend's advice, some 10 years later, I went on okcupid. Before I found my wife, I went on a bunch of dates with really great women whom I didn't click with. I had a lot of fun with them, not sex but seeing bands, going places I don't usually go to, etc.
Dating on okcupid was a grind. I'd get 1 response for roughly every 30 messages I sent. And about 1 date for every 3-4 responses. I just sent 10-20 messages every other day for a time. Lesson: don't get discouraged.
During those dates, I learned a lot about what I wanted, what I didn't want, and what I could put up with.
When I got that response from the woman who would become my wife, she rebuffed me, saying she wasn't ready. I felt some connection with what she wrote in her profile, so I bookmarked her. Then I cyber stalked her page for a few weeks and noticed she updated it. I immediately messaged her and said I noticed the update and asked if she was now available. We text chatted for 4 hours online, then when I asked her when we could meet, she went silent. For 20 minutes. I just left the browser window open, feeling some disappointment. Again, the worst that could happen is she would say no. Turns out she had to take a phone call and we arranged a date. Lesson: persistence pays off.
When I met my wife, I knew there was a special connection. She annoyed me by her choice of restaurant- because it was so loud we couldn't hear each other. But we left and spent 5-6 hours talking after that. The rest as they say, is history.
Anyway, don't feel pressured to go right out to meet someone. That's how I feel about my 20's; I wish I had sought more dates than I did. If you're ready, just get out there, whatever that looks like to you. Be yourself, and another friend told me, don't commit fraud while dating. That was some awesome advice. I don't want to have to be an actor, I want to be me.
Wow! That is a crazy story! I am not justifying the person who falsely accused you at all, but at least in the end, there was some "closure"/mutual understanding of how to reduce any tension. I wish something like this could have happened with management bringing me and them together to determine any problems and resolve them. I hate this feeling that I do not know what if anything I did wrong.
From what I know HR brought us together because they couldn't figure out what actually happened. My coworker was not a very social person and could not coherently explain his accusation. When they finally figured out the whole story... you should've seen the HR director's face. She left not long afterwards to a much more 'conventional' environment. Definitely not related to my case but I'd imagine she never looked back. Anyway, if the accusations were clearer and more coherent, or a female was involved, I don't think HR would organize a confrontation like this.
Thanks for your commend and advice! Definitely looking forward to keeping my head low and seeing how much more I can accomplish in these next few months I have left. I believe I fall into the socially-awkward/inexperienced category. Are there any resources you could suggest to learn more about social dynamics?
Observe, watch. And be aware that these things aren't really fair or systematic. Like the guy says, exactly the same behaviour can be interpreted as creepy or giggle-inducing depending on whether the guy doing it is attractive, confident, successful etc.
You sound like you're not confident and as you're an intern, you're not financially successful either. So the bar for you to be not """creepy""" to use ops phrasing is a sadly a lot higher.
Frankly I'd suggest watching a lot of comedy shows and soaps. Your issue probably isn't anything you specifically did, it sounds like you just need to get better at small talk so attempts to be sociable come off as suitably casual. Women like guys who are relaxed, confident, funny and whose conversations are a little bit surprising (but in a good way). Nobody can teach you that with conventional methods but watching how well scripted characters do it on TV can help you get into the groove.
> I'd suggest watching a lot of comedy shows and soaps
Those (at least the ones I watch) are full of sexual innuendo. Not exactly the kind of humor you would want to "learn" if you come off as a creepy sexual predator.
yeah that. Also try and engage in social activites outside of work (could be charity or whatever you're into). The goal is that you get used to human interactions with low stakes and that you get out of your own head. For example, go to a gym and be a regular member there, you'll eventually get to know the staff and be more optimistic about speaking to others (not to mention the immense benefits on health / body image and the effects it has on your level of confidence). Talk to the ugly barista at starbucks (joke about how she's spelt your name wrong, after a while ask her how she's doing, then ask her name), smile more if you don't already. And just work your way up from there. Being a software engineer is actually a massive advantage in the social field because you have an analytical mind so you can develop the best judgement on what to do and calibrate your behaviour to others. If you share offices with other companies, talk to them during their break if they're having a quick smoke outside (that's what I used to do) eventually they'll start to invite you to bars and coffee shops and other events. You'll then expand your social circles, you'll go out more, speak to more women (attractive or not) and you'll soon realise that the sad person who accused you is actually not worth speaking to. (I was going to say something else, but I wanna keep my karma init </south london accent>)
I'm bookmarking your comment! Thanks for your advice! I definitely could use a gym membership. And when I meet such new people, I'll try to find conversation topics that would be very unlikely to be taken the wrong way (as I have now learned, It's better not to ask people about their weekend plans as this could be viewed as hitting on them).
Asking about weekend plans (or about the previous weekend) is a pretty standard office smalltalk in the UK, but I think it's considered quite intrusive in the US.. so also depends on where you are
After sleeping on it, this is sort of how I feel. I would have personally gone to see someone who is bothering me to let them know before going straight to management. And if I felt extremely uncomfortable, then perhaps I would ask if management could be present in a meeting between me and the person who I feel bothered by.
Thanks for your input! I have toyed with the idea of meeting with management and making such demands, but between being nervous of getting fired sooner than my internship already ending, I am reluctant to do so. On the other hand, I feel this may be good practice on how to approach a similar situation should one arise, and when I am in a permanent position. The single co-worker I asked (and generally confide in) was very shocked to hear this and had nothing bad to say about how I handle myself around other people in the company.
Talk to a lawyer. I highly doubt your internship will end well there, the way things are going. Do you really expect them to give you a good reference?
I think you have mostly learned all that you can, and you are wasting your time at that company, particulay as an intern. Depending on what you have planned afterwords, I'd probably just leave for another opportunity ASAP. Somebody already questioned the idea of them giving you a good reference, I wouldn't count on it and wouldn't waste anymore time.
