I'm blown away and truly humbled by the compassion, advice, encouragement, and offers of help in all of your responses and emails. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel validated, empowered, and now more hopeful that things could eventually work themselves out. It looks like there is a way to fix all this and I've now gotten some better perspective on where I could start.
I'll use this thread as an action plan to get things going. I've already read some responses a few times and will make sure to review all comments and sincerely think through every suggestion. Please give me a few days to process everything as well as to follow up either via comments or email.
Thanks again, to everyone, for being there for me. You guys are unbelievably awesome.
I'd like to think that I've thought about this, but almost every interest of mine involves something that in no way shape or form includes being around for my family. But you are right in the fact that I need to focus more on what I find enjoyment in / take pride in.
Yes, a lot actually. South America is on my radar for this very reason. My thinking is that if employers, clients, or other startups aren't seeing obvious/immediate value in my collective experiences, that companies/projects in other parts of the world might. I'll look around HN to see what others have done in this area.
Yes I actually agree with you. I should have provided better context: 9-5 meaning that people here are mostly content with what they have. They aren't out and about in the city looking to build new ventures, take risks on big, unproven ideas, etc.
You do not need to be building a new venture, or taking risks, or trying out unproven ideas. You need to get a job and make money so you and your family don't starve to death.
It sucks that you're in a place where nobody shares your motivation, but you still need to eat.
I don't think this is helpful. He can provide for his family with out a "9 to 5". He could contract remotely, for example. And he could work on side projects with an eye to the future, which would help keep his spirits up through this period.
I think the important message isn't that a job is from 9am to 5pm, but that you have a job that pays a regular paycheck based on hours worked. mattman is not in a situation to not be making any money.
If you go to entrepreneur events, it's definitely a reality. I've been part of the scene for about 1.5 years and there are countless meet up group/events for new tech. There are coworking spaces that litter a certain part of SF. In Palo alto, I often run into entrepreneurs I've met at other events. At certain cafes, they are loaded with people hacking.
Sideline topic: Yeah, I can't handle these types of crowds, even though I really need to find a co-founder. I can't go to these specifically because of all the talking of sh__ that goes on. I'm afraid many people in the startup scene may think they will be the next best CEO in the world, so they go to these events and typically spend the entire time droning on with enough business/tech-laced hot air you could fill a balloon with it big enough to have saved the Titanic from sinking. But, when it comes to rolling up sleeves and getting things done...well...crickets.
Sometimes I get that sense but these days it seems everyone i meet sold everything back home (a bunch of them European) and moved to the bay area. Most of them took. A short trip first and decided that the scene was infinitely better.
Thanks for the learned helplessness link. I'll look into that more.
As for exercise, I take walks, bike, etc. The thing I'm missing the most are having other like minded people around to share ideas and progress. But maybe I need to look into building a small Skype-based network for this, or something similar.
Why not take the time to learn to hack? What with all the internet resources out there, IRC, mailing lists, and whatnot, it doesn't really matter where you are, and some 'peace and quiet' would be good for the concentration you'll need.
At that point, maybe you can have a go at doing something along the lines of "Start Small, Stay Small":
The idea being that with a niche product, it's not going to be an all-or-nothing venture, and you'll be able to run it just fine from wherever you are - no need to be somewhere where startups are 'hip' and you can recruit 30 people after you get your millions in funding.
I was going to recommend that living with the parents might free up some time to hack out a new idea, but I see you aren't a developer. As such, I'll suggest a non-programming idea: rebuild the old version of Techcrunch. Write a blog about cool startups. Actually use the products, provide screenshots and reviews. Don't write about Apple,Google,Facebook,Twitter, or funding rounds greater than 1 million. I promise you'll have at least 1 reader ;)
Move close in but not with your parents, get a job, and learn programming -- it's very empowering. I had one of my friends over that is doing just that. Six months back when he started he was quite bleak, but now he's close to $0, and on a roll. He seemed not tense for the first time since I've known him.
What is the best way to go about starting to learn programming if you do work a 9-5? I am finishing school and paying for a website to be designed right now but would love to learn more...
Think of something simple you'd like to make and learn whatever you need to make it. Perhaps a small but useful widget for your website. Attachment to a creative vision can motivate you in a way that tutorials and classes cannot.
I lost my job in PR earlier this year and used the several months of non-employment to laser focus on becoming a professional programmer. I got my first job doing so last month.
If you don't know who you are professionally, it's probably because your heart isn't in whatever it is you do. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and learn to program.
Is it possible that you actually can't really do those things if your startup failed? In other words, is it possible you're representing having skills that you don't actually have? (It reads to me as if you have a willingness to practice those skills, though they aren't well developed.) Maybe it's time to honestly evaluate where you're at and invest some time into personal growth and development. You will reduce cognitive dissonance and through surrender to the mastery process some of your depression will be ameliorated.
Really good point, how do I go about achieving this? I'd like to believe that I have the skills, insights, strength, and endurance for all these things, but yet, I have to accept the reality that so far it has gotten me nothing. I'm open to change/learning - if my family weren't an issue I'd go anywhere in the world to learn, reboot, start over, grow, etc.
Important edit: I recommend buying books if you can afford it. Many reasons for this. One, it's fun to receive packages in the mail. I get a rush every time I rip a package open. Two, it's good for the ego. It helps you keep perspective on how much you've been reading. Three, you can underline the books as you read them, this can be VERY helpful. Unfortunately I do not recommend loaning books to friends, you will never get them back.
Awesome! You can start by reading 1 book a week, which is an aggressive but doable goal. To some it may not sound like much but if you have not been making a habit of reading regularly, it will take you a while to get back into it. In a year you will have read 52 books. I am of the belief that compound interest is most effective when you have staggering sums of money. It is second most effective when it comes to knowledge.
Amazon will sell you books for cheap, but there are many business classics that will probably be available at the local library. I bet your local library will at least have one of these seven books:
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
Reading books can be a useful starting point, but by themselves they won't get you those skills. They're called skills for a reason: you have to practice them.
I'll repeat the advice out of one of Peter Drucker's books: the only way to really improve in life is to feed back from actions to results. Try to do something. When you fail (and you probably will, the first time), take an honest look at your performance, and identify one thing that you could've done better. Then do it again, but this time do that one thing differently. Did you get better results? If so, find something else you could've done better, and practice that next. If not, do it differently again, and measure the results. Repeat until you're doing everything awesomely. You have now mastered the skill.
You do realize that startups fail for any number of reasons. Founder's not having all the necessary skills may be a contributing factor, but I would be willing to wager quite a bit that it is not a leading cause.
I'll use this thread as an action plan to get things going. I've already read some responses a few times and will make sure to review all comments and sincerely think through every suggestion. Please give me a few days to process everything as well as to follow up either via comments or email.
Thanks again, to everyone, for being there for me. You guys are unbelievably awesome.