> Tone of voice dictates whether you're going to get compliance or not. "Sarah, put on the green coat or the red sweater. We're going to go out, okay?" Choice among humans increases the likelihood of compliance. And choice isn't important, it's the appearance of choice that's important. Having real choice is not the issue, humans don't feel too strongly about that, but having the feeling that you have a choice makes a difference.
My son has dry skin and has to have a special cream on his face before he goes to bed - normally when he's tired and terribly uncooperative.
In order to get him to allow us to put the cream on his face, we often just give him the choice of which side of the face we should start with. I don't give him the choice to have the cream or not. It works brilliantly. A friend told us that tip. Awesome.
This is also a very effective technique when brushing a toddler's teeth. "Top or bottom teeth first?"
My other tactics for routines are "Which animal should we brush teeth like tonight?", "OK, we're going to brush your ears. Teeth!? No. No, maybe your eyebrows. OK, teeth then." and "Close your eyes and I'll choose your clothes and get you dressed so it will be a surprise."
With my son, "time for a bath!", no matter how excited, yields crying. "Would you rather watch trains or buses after your bath?" yields an excited choice.
If you want to avoid promising TV/iPad as a reward, good alternatives are:
"If you get in the bath, I'll go and choose a bath toy that you've never even played with before." (And then I find something random in the kitchen - ladle, colander, Tupperware, etc.)
or "If you get dressed, I'll tell you something interesting about Mercury." (Or owls, or bullet trains or anything you can come up with.)
Used the Mercury one with my 4yo, planning to tell him about the massive valley recently discovered. He shot back immediately "Dad, I already know it's really hot on one side and cold on the other side!"
If they're out of control and won't listen to reason, I often just talk somewhat quietly to them about something I know they'll find interesting, and they usually stop screaming so they can hear what it is.
I can't speak for llimllib, but I didn't read their comment as being a reward for having a bath. The key bit of the suggestion is that having a bath is implicit in the whole situation.
Similarly, me (+spouse) have never offered any reward for completing any task - and see many other parents having to enter into a what-if kind of negotiation. I like your Mercury example, but would consider taking it further: "I can't tell you about Mercury until you're dressed". It sounds logical enough to a 5-6 year old (even though these things are not logically connected).
I guessing these tactics will have to change at some point - but we've successfully navigated around most of the tantrum stage so far.
Or even "once you're dressed, I can tell you something about Mercury".
I agree that it shouldn't be a reward - more a thing to do or discuss after the task is done that isn't an option before it's done. Because as I imagine most parents know, any perceived offered reward does become grounds for negotiation.
It's not a reward, I always let him watch buses on the iPad after the bath while I dry him off. He likes it and I don't see any problem with it. Just meant to give an example of a way that changing the framing works with a two year old (/anybody)
Sorry, reward was the wrong word. My primary intention was to suggest a mechanism that didn't involve screen time, as many parents are sensitive to that.
> or "If you get dressed, I'll tell you something interesting about Mercury."
Gonna have to try this one - my son loves collecting facts. Thismay prove very helpful. Even if it turns out not - thanks for the idea, it's a good one.
I like that this tactic is educational and costs nothing, so you don't need to fall back to a treat. It becomes almost a form of currency within the house. My daughter is younger so in her case (for incentives or distracting her out of a tantrum) I'll talk about the neighbour's cat or birds doing things, etc.
My son loves these kind of facts so much he has books on them and knows more than I do. He kept quizzing me on some size or distance or mass where the answer was a couple of septillion (European ones, not your small American ones).
It's interesting to me that my parents did essentially the opposite for raising my sister and I: they created a spinner that would randomly choose whether mom or dad would help us get ready for bed that night. We completely accepted the decision of the spinner because that was The Way of the World.
I find I have lot a easier time getting my son to accept hard dictates when I don't provide a reason - it's just the way it is. "Because I said so" is surprisingly effective[1], I think because he's learned that when I say it there is no more discussing.
Reasons provide a point of discussion - and my boy will discuss endlessly anything he's given the opportunity to. Particularly if discussing the reasons means not having to do the thing he doesn't want to do.
The problem I have is that I remember always wanting to know why (hell, I still do). So I have a default explain-first mentality that I've become increasingly aware I need to break.
It's a hard balance to find. You want the child to know the whys of what he's doing - but you don't want each reason to turn into an endless discussion.
[1] he's not happy about it, but it is remarkable effective :D
This technique worked for us a bit in the toddler years, but it became ineffective for both kids around 4 or 5. They clue in quite quickly and start pushing for ... other options.
The important thing is to give them a choice but be firm on the original requirement. Teach them that some things in life must be done (like brushing one's teeth) but they still allow for some level of autonomy, which I think is an important lesson to learn. They're going to encounter this again in life and if they are able to cope by focusing on the choices between the smaller details of a larger, more difficult or unnapealing task, that's a win in my book.
I don't mean this in a snarky way, but have you ever just left it up to him? How old is your son? I understand your thinking if his skin condition is very serious, but if it's just a matter of him being uncomfortable because he forgot, then that's the type of thing I would be totally hands-off about.
So, I got downvoted but I would say indefinitely if it's not a serious condition. Your child is actually capable of having priorities in life if you let him, and apparently the skin dryness thing must not bother him that much.
I try to give them a choice in what they want on their bread, but they always want something I'm not offering, or they want nothing, or they ignore me. So I just make their choice for them, but give them time to interrupt me. Sometimes they're ignoring me so hard that they miss their opportunity, and then we've got a problem.
My son has dry skin and has to have a special cream on his face before he goes to bed - normally when he's tired and terribly uncooperative.
In order to get him to allow us to put the cream on his face, we often just give him the choice of which side of the face we should start with. I don't give him the choice to have the cream or not. It works brilliantly. A friend told us that tip. Awesome.