Truthfully about everything. Health problems caused money and relationship/family/people problems caused everything else problems and I have reached a point where hope isn't even something I can fool myself with anymore. I have a draft of a post I wanted to make outlining things and will try to clean it up in the next days.

In order of what I would prefer:

1. New body and a time machine to avoid surgery.

2. Robust social care/access to reliable doctors I know and trust etc for the long term if I have to live in this body so I have peace and time to work forward.

3. Some means to earn that is physically and mentally sustainable that won't bury me even further so I can buy "at least survivable for me" conditions.

#1 is impossible...#2 is possible but not here (USA)...#3 is the only one I see being MAYBE a real option which could help lead back to #2 somewhat but it all requires a lot of things to fall into place, lots of kindness, and lots of luck. All 3 things that have been in very short supply in my years of dealing with this. Still trying though...depending on the day.