Including "society". For every tragic company failure or suicide or whatever, there are always stories like this. "She seemed fine." "We never knew they were in trouble". "He's not the kind of person. This is no less true in the internet of 2018 than it was in the small towns of the 1930's.
We don't get to see half of what we think we should be able to see of people's lives. Even people we "know".
> We don't get to see half of what we think we should be able to see of people's lives. Even people we "know".
One of the few times in someone's life that you get to glimpse many of their facets all in one place is their funeral. Weddings are skipped if someone doesn't want to go to the expense of buying a gift and attending. Same for many other life events.
Unless someone makes a conscious effort to bring all their circles of friends together in a series of parties and events, many times these circles stay separate and sometimes these groups are completely unaware of each other. My epiphany that social "platforms" were crap at their claimed mission was w-a-a-a-y back when I realized they were no better at getting my different circles of friends together with me than if I didn't have the platforms in my life and didn't lift a finger to try to consciously bring them together.
These days, I tell people from all my friend groups to drop by an all-day party I hold, they'll meet interesting people, and hang out. The social platform works great for coordinating in my use case, but apparently not for really fostering closer connections. At least for me. YMMV.
> Weddings are skipped if someone doesn't want to go to the expense of buying a gift and attending. Same for many other life events.
Funerals can be skipped due to age-old grudges against other relatives who will also be at the funeral. Wisdom often correlates with age, but age doesn't always cause wisdom - and sometimes elderly people need help moving on too.
Without a doubt this happens all too often. I've seen less reluctance when it comes to funerals than other life events, especially if one side of the grudge is laying in the casket. For all of the fostering of connections technology has afforded us, I find it ironic that sometimes the technology drives grudges deeper and longer than if the parties know that this meeting might be the very last they ever see each other because that trans-Atlantic trip is one-way.
You'd think those people have seen enough of the "he seemed fine" trope on TV and elsewhere to avoid it. It's like, instead, they are tripping themselves to invoke it. "Hey, the camera is in my face, let me show off how versed I am in 'know your meme' material."
"I'm a total expert in predicting who might be about to do a thing like that! I've even followed a psychology blog or two. But this one, he had me stumped. He was a such nice guy! Always said hello, petted the dog and smiled at the kids."
There'll always be more to that than meets the eye. Processing the death of a loved one is hard enough as it is; add in the fact that they killed themselves and suddenly the grief of that loss becomes incredibly complex.
That last moment you spent with them, with no idea of it being the last one, might have been wonderful. How would you reconcile your feeling in that moment with them suddenly cutting their life short? They seemed fine. If only they reached out? Is it my fault for not being there when they needed me? Why!? Anger, grief, sorrow, moments of joy when you look back on what was...
Add to that we in the western world are generally not very good at talking about our feelings, wanting to appear strong and holding everything together, not feeling like we will be listened to if we open up, or actually being afraid of being judged or stigmatised for it. Never mind being put on the spot about such a sensitive thing. "He seemed fine," is as good a way as any of hiding the incredible pain and vulnerability you will have, just as giving that appearance of being fine is a great way to hide a terrible internal torment that ultimately makes you take your life, because you don't feel like you can reach out for the support you need.
It's highly unlikely that someone, when asked, will go into great detail about how they're actually feeling about that. They have to be given the space to open up if they feel comfortable to do so, in order to get past that protective response.
This has been my experience from my own suicide attempts in the past decade. The first time I was exactly like that - hiding everything, 'seeming fine' - because I trusted nobody enough to really open up to them. The second time, I did trust someone, a couple of friends and a therapist, and I kept my heart as open as I possibly could the whole way. This was painful for everybody involved, especially after the second attempt and a very close call with a third, but that pain is nothing in comparison to what it would be if I never reached out and succeeded in the attempt.
The point in all of that ramble being, maybe in time we as a society will reach a more compassionate place where it's easier to share these aspects of ourselves if we want to.
Perfect description of every “social” platform out there.