Worse, it seems to require a full computer reboot. Every. Time. This implies it is hooked so deeply into Windows that if Reader sneezes, Windows will get an appendectomy.

Out of interest, what Windows version are you running? Adobe hasn't asked me to reboot in quite a long while.

Win 7, but, on reflection, I'm not being fair to Adobe. I just remembered I have Acrobat installed on that computer, not just Reader, and it is undoubtedly Acrobat updates that are causing my reboot pain.

This accurately describes the way my university network behaved.

It's a by-product of the silly installer they use. The reader installer team probably consists of 1 guy.

One is the optimal number of people to put on the task of fixing a bug of this magnitude.

You say that as if it's too little... but really, one guy just on the installer?

Not only that, but I have Foxit as my default pdf reader, and when I update Reader on Win7, it forces itself to become the default reader --- WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. This is just aggressively rude of Adobe.

I have exactly one reason to launch Reader by itself: when setting up a computer for another user in my organization, I launch Reader once to accept the license agreement on his/her behalf. Then I delete the icon.

Download the customisation wizard, build a transform which installs it with the EULA accepted and no desktop icon.