Out of curiosity, do you do much creative writing? I agree that the second version is clearer and more grammatically sensible, but the first version bends the normal usage of syntax to evoke emotion, although a word here or there could be adjusted.
Here's an example of a similar update; would you say you like the second version more?
"Halting, stuttering, his words slurred, his eyes watery, his knees trembling, he thrust forth the knife, and with a cry the blow was struck-"
vs.
"His knees trembled, his eyes were watery, and spoke in a steady stream of unintelligible nonsense. With a cry, he thrust forth the knife, and the blow was struck."
In both, the aloneness of "him" is the focus. In the first, his companions are the subject of both sentences. In the second, The fog and "he" are the focus, with his companions only mentioned as an afterthought.
