It's okay to give yourself some reprieve. People are often not in their right mind when grieving.
It's that time of year when It's a Wonderful Life shows up on TV. Have you ever seen the scene in the boardroom just after Jimmy Stewart's character's father died and left him the Building & Loan business? If you look closely, he's wearing a black arm band. That used to be customary as a way to signaling to people "I'm grieving, so please forgive me if I'm not in my right mind. Take what I say and do with a grain of salt."
When I die, I would not want my friends to feel worse by regretting something they did or didn't do. I'm willing to bet your friend loved you enough to feel the same way.
From one stranger to another, this is such a nice comment. And I love this film, but never knew this arm band fact. Now I can't wait to notice it this year when we inevitably watch it. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
I get it. I didn't say anything at my grandfather's funeral, although I was this close. I just... didn't. Easier in that moment to stay seated for a few extra seconds, but it bothered me. Years later, at my grandmother's funeral, I spoke. Not long, but I said some of the things I'd wanted to say years earlier, though with the benefit of a bit more hindsight and perspective. But not speaking all those years earlier had bothered me. FWIW, it still does, but a little less than before.
I have a phobia of these type of scenarios. During my career I've never had a problem presenting or doing demos for large groups. I've presented to high ranking military officials, company zooms, etc. No problem.
Ask me to give a speech on the spot at my father's birthday party? I cower in fear. Same when my mother passed away. I wanted to say so many things, but I couldn't get over the anxiety. You're not alone.
I see it as a strong example of what happens often. We have an impulse from what I will call our authenticity and we decline and suppress it because of some sort of fear.
As I've learned to pay attention to this, I've found that it always leads to slight disconnection, and following instead tends to lead to more connection and aliveness.
Every time we avoid the alive impulse is a failure of sorts, but usually we don't notice it like in this story above.
This idea is also explored in The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute. Reading it was truly transformative for me. It makes a strong point that we experience self-betrayal whenever we choose to ignore our moral compass and how this can harm our relationships.
Interesting. Do you think this other thing might be related?
I usually supress emotions in order to perform, solve problems. I ignore all frustration, sadness, boredom and just focus or executing the steps to solve the current problem. Convinced that good performance is what leads to good quality of life.
It's like the kid who jumps and cries around the father saying "I want to play". The father ignores him and says "go away, don't bother me please, I'm working", thinking "what he really needs is a nice house, food and clothes, that's why I work".
But this has lead me to a pervasive state of unsatisfaction, even though I now have many shiny things to enjoy.
I think it’s related, but not in the way you’re implying:
He seems to view it as a personal failing that he didnt ignore the awkwardness to “solve the problem” of no one memorializing his friend and thinks about that inability to perform in the moment often, because he wants to be someone who can “rise to the occasion” in such moments.
You seem to have a different problem, eg a bad work-life balance or lack of meaningful duties to perform.
Authenticity is not a great guide for living. Psychopaths are authentic, but no one of sound mind would praise them for it. Our motives are not always pure and good, and our culture's feels-before-reals elevation of "authenticity" into a supreme virtue has been a source of much grief.
Now, having the courage to act according to what you know by prudence is the right and just thing to do is something else. Here, you are acting according to what is objectively good, and not only that, but what you know is objectively good. And yes, you could say that acting out of genuine courage does make a person feel more alive, as he isn't shrinking out of fear and cowardice. He is acting against the comfort of mediocrity, and as we all know, a little danger and risk does get the blood moving.
I have a 3.5 year old son and the thought HAS occurred to me- "if we never learned to 'behave' (i.e., conform to societal norms), would we all just continue to be little selfish dopamine monsters?" lol
You might say the foundation of polite society itself rests heavily on the shoulders of millions of weary parents with varying amounts of care and effort expended
It is difficult to explain nuance to little kids, so when they grow up, they need to review the rules. Hopefully not from the perspective of "rules are inconvenient", but rather "what was this rule actually trying to achieve, and how much that applies to this situation?".
In another thread, the_snooze wisely pointed out that "your actions are a reflection of your values"[1].
If you want to be a person who is part of a community, who cares for the people around them, and doesn't look at everything as a transaction, then you maybe go to a funeral even if you can't measure some benefit for yourself.
