My passion for computer science (programming, playing with tools, gain knowledge) is and has always been “up”, as in, I still enjoy doing it in my free time.

What has gone “down” is my feeling towards the tech industry. I don’t like managers, startups that don’t make money; irrelevant products/projects, deadlines, agile, etc.

You need to make a clear distinction between the two. A job is a job, and my goal is to maximise income (work as little as possible while delivering and earning as much as possible. Funny enough my passion for computer science puts my in a good position to do this)

In my experience, I think it’s primarily a mental health issue. My passion for computers has always been rooted in a fundamental curiosity, rather than any deep reason or meaning. Simply writing code and watching software run used to excite me—it was fun, pure and simple.

There was a time, though, when it all felt utterly meaningless and made me depressed. I found myself thinking things like, “Even if I build this, it won’t make any money,” or “This job may pay, but it doesn’t solve any real, fundamental problems.” Intellectually, I knew I used to do it just because I enjoyed it, yet I couldn’t stop those thoughts. However, as my depression went into remission, I started to feel that simple joy again (though I’m not fully recovered yet).

I suspect you’re going through something similar. While it’s important to think, I believe that rather than overthinking, focusing on your mental health first is the better approach—though of course, I understand how hard that can be.

I've been going through that a year or so back and I believe the trigger was mostly doing meaningless (technically) work on top of shifting ground (because it was either rushed and no one actually care about quality). And there was the syndrome of shiny stuff (because consumerism) and FOMO. I took a step back, bought some cheap office PC (a mini desktop and a laptop), installed Linux first (alpine), then FreeBSD. Then it's been an exploration of what I can do with computers, not just whatever some company allowed me to do.

What I concocted was more fragile, but I either understood it completely or it would be easy to actually learn how it works. This feeling of control worked wonder for me.

This is helpful, thank you

What is this innate need to have “passion” for a job?

I was a hobbyist programmer from 1986-1992 programming in Basic and assembly. But after that, it became a means to an end - to support my need for food, clothes and shelter while doing other things that I enjoyed. I went to college, enjoyed the college life and got my degree.

I spent 1998 - 2012, hanging out with friends, teaching fitness classes more as a social outlet than a second job, had a bad 4 year marriage in between.

I got remarried in 2012, stop teaching, started taking my career more seriously while raising a 9 and 14 year old (step sons) and when the youngest one graduated in 2020 and after COVID lifted, my wife and I hang out after work, we travel and she pursues her hobbies and I pursue mine.

There has never been one day that I thought “I can’t wait to get home after spending all day on computers to spend more time on my computer”

It looks like your disenchantment with computing is more of a symptom of the other bad things going on in your life.

I just suggest keeping up with exercise and focusing on your mental health. If you are in a dark place, everything becomes dark.

Give yourself time to heal from the breakup, recover from depression, and I'm sure you will find joy again in doing your job.

I used to be enamored with computers, fascinated at the magic. Now I use my skills to help elderly neighbors, non-profits, co-ops, and other ~public services. I see more clearly the layers upon layers on which computers are built, and I think back to Hugh Howey's Wool omnibus; put too much stock in these complicated things we make and when the next collapse occurs it'll be worse because we'll have eroded much of the skills, practices, values and culture that got humanity to this point in the first place. I'm not even pushing hard for my child to learn to read and write on an urgent timeline; sure, that "basic" technology is important, but more important is secure attachment with family and friends, and ability to be both creative and discerning. We're a story-driven species, and increasingly I narrow my computer use to serve this.

Even though videogames are largely about story, I finally quit (again- my post history might show I've quit before) weeks ago, deleting all my online game accounts (even Steam! Before a few months ago I never imagined I would do such a thing) and giving away my Steam Deck. No regerts at all- I feel unburdened, as I always do when it's time to let go of another grappling hook. I'm in my 40s btw, and it's been a long road of decluttering, mentally and physically.

My point is, computers are just a tool, a very complex tool that few if any of us can make in our workshop anymore (I'm thinking mostly of people with less than, say, double what they need for subsistence, and I'm no fan of systems that allow for massive wealth accumulation by a few individuals- a few of them may well have the knowledge, skills, abilities, and control of resources to make a modern computer in their workshop, depending on to what degree we consider others' labor to be owned), and I don't see them as necessary to a meaningful life.

I am digging into one of the BSDs, to get further away from gaming (it's an addiction for me, so I'm reducing triggers), because I like using old hardware (embodied energy, Reduce/Reuse/"Recycle"), and because I'm curious- I'm not out of my own intermittent depression, and I make time to tinker with computers only when I choose to. Rehabilitating the land to sustain us is far more important and engaging, including reading, observing, exploring, wondering, and a lot of communication (local politics, in a constructive way, towards participatory democracy).

good luck!

Leetcode is a waste of time, consider just using tools like https://leetcodeninja.io if you're preparing for an interview. The sooner those type of interviews die the better

If you're doing self promotion, I would disclose at least that you're doing so.

Because of the nature of my job I do many in-person interviews

I have not yet fallen out of love for computing. Recently I had a "microsecond" moment where I thought "this is bullshit".

I have recently came back to the topic of software engineering always "having" to keep up.

At the end of the day what keeps me going is the creative opportunity (specifically trimming out the block and carving out a statue) and the fact that this is the closest I will ever be to be a wizard.

Your dread of computer insecurities is well placed, BUT there is a long term solution that will eventually work once it's adopted. Capabilities based systems like WASM default to NO access and permanently fix a large class of problems, namely the confused deputy problem.

As for the awe, I got into computing in the days of the PET and S-100 systems. Now I'm contemplating my own ASIC designs. It's freaking amazing what you can do with almost no money and a little effort.

In a minute: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmuP8gsgWb8

My love of tech recovered when I stopped doing it for 40 hours a week. I don't work in tech. Applying technology at a small scale to solve concrete issues still feels magical. No KPIs, no standup meetings, no tickets. Just a small achievable goal that makes a tangible impact.

Actually, the more I interact with ordinary, non-technical people, the more I want to retreat into the computing world.

Computers are much better companions than average fellow human-beings. They definitely don't beat people with technical mind but that's rare in the real world (read: not on HN/SO/etc.).

They live on logic and truth. They don't lie. They don't throw tantrums randomly. They don't backstab. If a program is wrong, then some human got something wrong -- either the programmer, or a computer engineer.

They are the best thing in the world for technical introverts. I still meet with fellow human-beings not because I want to, but because I have to -- arguably, meeting same minded people online is good enough, maybe even better than f2f.

How can I not love computing? Sure I might despise my job but I'd never despise computing.

At the risk of geting downvoter I'll repeat again and again what I feel is the bitter truth.

This is a pretty childish unprofessional approach to look for some _inspiration_. As if a job has the responsibility to make you happy and fix your personal issues.

If an opportunity in modern economy to make a decent money is not enough an inspiration for you - no magic new shiny thing will inspire you for long.

This isn't often discussed on here. If I speak to my friends who are accountants, lawyers, doctors they generally aren't that inspired by their work either. I tend to find managers are often quite enthusiastic about work, and I think that's because the personality type required to do that sort of thing requires that enthusiasm. The only other class of people who often seem pretty enthusiastic are university researchers, but times are not great for universities in the UK right now.

I totally agree that a true professional approach is view it as a job rather than an creative or inspirational outlet in your life. And I follow this approach. I see it as a marathon rather than a sprint.

That said, posts like this are common on HN. People burning out and get disillusioned with their jobs. Or loose meaning in tech.

Could this be because 15-20 years ago in order to get in to the industry you had to have a certain passion and curiosity in order to get through the forest of very technical tools and programming languages in order to run anything. Industry was not mature and there was a lot of hype around it's wins, it was literally changing the world. Software was eating the world quickly. Books like "Passionate programmer" and "Secrets of the Rock Star Programmers" were promising us the land of endless rewards if we pour our whole selves in to the job and forget about anything else.

But nowadays, 20 years of growth, billions of LOC and millions of people came in to the industry. Now we've got the understanding that it was just a job after all. And instead of pouring your self in to it, the sustainable way is to treat it like a job and also have a life outside of it. Hedge your bets if you will, because life is more than tech

> Could this be because 15-20 years ago in order to get in to the industry you had to have a certain passion and curiosity in order to get through the forest of very technical tools and programming languages in order to run anything.

In 2010, you could choose a tech stack - .Net or Java and learn it well enough to get a full stack implementation done along with JavaScript and choose an RDMS. Not too much different than today. Today it’s worse with the clusterfuck of the front end ecosystem.

The iOS SDK was already mature and the Android SDK was getting mature

2005 was about the same. But then if you wanted to build a mobile app you either used whatever Java was doing or the Windows Compact Framework.

Even back in 2000 it wasn’t that bad.

I haven’t had “passion” for computer science since entering college and I was a hobbyist before then

This is the exact opposite of what I was asking for. Instead of quitting my job I want to learn to like my job again. The job doesn't have a responsibility to me, I have a responsibility to get better and part of that is maintaining my career.

Did you even read the post?

You’re asking for an inspiration? My answer is you need to learn to work without any inspiration, just because you’re signed a contrAct and getting paid.

Sorry if didn’t make it clear.

Ok that makes sense. Maybe easier said than done. Sorry if I came off as rude

I'm an optimist, as well as a capitalist. So what I love about computing is the ability to make a lot of money from the comfort of my own home by, essentially, distilling my own thoughts into an artifact other people will pay to use. That's just about the closest thing to magic I can imagine a human being having.

>Do I need to fix my depression before I fix my outlook on computers, or can I work on both at the same time?

Both at the same time, bit by bit. Absent any other issues I would actually guess the family/relationship one-two punch is the real thing dragging you down more than work itself. Unfortunately those kinds of situations are almost impossible for outsiders to help with, so I won't pretend to know what to do there.

Stupidity of mine