I have Borderline-personality disorder (a horrible, and ill-advised name) and here are some of the most important points I think those without mental illness need to understand from the other side.
1) It does feel like “someone else” can take control of my mind and decision making at any moment. In my case, it is triggered by certain emotions. Someone who is not the “real” me - like the id wanting to break out. To explain it briefly, my emotional system is not mature (or is it?). When I feel fear or regret, I feel it 10x stronger than you do. Whether that is a defect of the mind, glands, or some kind of evolutionary thing, I don’t think that can be said for sure. I see no real research ever being done in this regard, unless mental health professionals, neurologists, and evolutionary scientists really start talking to each other seriously about all this.
2) In my life, I have been routinely misdiagnosed and have been refused help my many medical professionals, most likely out of fear of dealing with someone like me. The dogma, even amongst medical professionals, is to avoid people like me. The only real help and support I’ve gotten has come from online strangers and their families who are well read up on these things. Most in my family don’t even have the education required to begin to understand this issue, and that is unfortunate.
3) Hollywood portrays people with the characteristics of this disorder as villains, or good-turned-evil type antagonists. Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader is a good example. Try empathizing with someone like Dr. Jekyll and you’ll start to get an idea how taboo this really is in real life. And lest we forget what happens at the end of that story – Jekyll commits suicide to end Hyde’s reign of terror – and you start realizing why we choose to hide. This leads to very little research being done.
4) I have a small family, a nice home, and a great career – doing what I love (hacking). It was very hard to get here. I never finished school and have few close relationships, all constantly in flux. It is very hard sometimes to keep things in order in my mind and manage the severe anxiety it creates. Some of my "side effect" disorders include a diagnosis of OCD as well as the usual depressive and manic cycles (at non-bipolar levels).
5) I don’t take any medicine. I love what I do for a living and working on all twelve cylinders. Medication only allows me to fire on two cylinders. You don’t have to agree with this, but I need you to understand this choice.
6) I don’t actually feel any less “normal” than the rest of you. You wouldn’t notice me if we engaged in small talk. People who really know me often say I have a good heart, but can be very calculating and cruel at times. I can see what they mean. They tell me to try to “work on it” but I don’t think they really understand what they’re asking me to do. They’re asking me to get rid of a part of me. They’re asking me to murder Hyde.
Years ago, I dated a girl who I suspect would classify as BPD. I’m generally good natured, patient, and accepting, but at least at that moment in her life, it would have taken someone with superhuman patience and tolerance for abuse to properly help and support her, and probably not via a romantic relationship.
Most of the time she was cheerful, funny, clever, generous, and fun to spend time with, but under stress her personality would do a 180° turn, and she would become self-centered, calculating, and paranoid. She would seize on any thought or scrap of evidence, however flimsy, to blame her distress on other people (her students, neighbors, strangers on the street, her family, me), and would maliciously lash out at people entirely out of proportion to their actions, which were often trivial mistakes or entirely unrelated to her.
I tried for a while to be supportive and understanding, but I was in far over my head. I felt like anything I said to her in her “nice” phase could be taken out of context, spun around, and used as a weapon, and to maintain a relationship with her would require continuous self-censorship, impossible amounts of empathy, and an iron skin for disregarding emotional attacks.
It was clear she was suffering and wasn’t getting the support she needed from family/friends/school/work/therapists, her childhood and former relationships had been traumatic/abusive, and in breaking things off I felt like a complete failure, under the theory that I might have been able to help if I were stronger. To be honest though, I’m not sure a person/role exists who could have given her the support she really needed at that time. I can only hope that the passage of time has helped her figure out some better coping mechanisms and less damaging ways of relating to people, but we haven’t spoken since, so I have no idea how she’s doing.
The experience left me an emotional wreck, and it took me several months to recover. I didn’t date anyone again for over a year afterward.
All of which is to say, I can well understand why people, even professional therapists or family members, might be unwilling to engage. It’s extremely unpleasant and stressful, with high risk, for mostly someone else’s benefit.
1) It does feel like “someone else” can take control of my mind and decision making at any moment. In my case, it is triggered by certain emotions. Someone who is not the “real” me - like the id wanting to break out. To explain it briefly, my emotional system is not mature (or is it?). When I feel fear or regret, I feel it 10x stronger than you do. Whether that is a defect of the mind, glands, or some kind of evolutionary thing, I don’t think that can be said for sure. I see no real research ever being done in this regard, unless mental health professionals, neurologists, and evolutionary scientists really start talking to each other seriously about all this.
2) In my life, I have been routinely misdiagnosed and have been refused help my many medical professionals, most likely out of fear of dealing with someone like me. The dogma, even amongst medical professionals, is to avoid people like me. The only real help and support I’ve gotten has come from online strangers and their families who are well read up on these things. Most in my family don’t even have the education required to begin to understand this issue, and that is unfortunate.
3) Hollywood portrays people with the characteristics of this disorder as villains, or good-turned-evil type antagonists. Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader is a good example. Try empathizing with someone like Dr. Jekyll and you’ll start to get an idea how taboo this really is in real life. And lest we forget what happens at the end of that story – Jekyll commits suicide to end Hyde’s reign of terror – and you start realizing why we choose to hide. This leads to very little research being done.
4) I have a small family, a nice home, and a great career – doing what I love (hacking). It was very hard to get here. I never finished school and have few close relationships, all constantly in flux. It is very hard sometimes to keep things in order in my mind and manage the severe anxiety it creates. Some of my "side effect" disorders include a diagnosis of OCD as well as the usual depressive and manic cycles (at non-bipolar levels).
5) I don’t take any medicine. I love what I do for a living and working on all twelve cylinders. Medication only allows me to fire on two cylinders. You don’t have to agree with this, but I need you to understand this choice.
6) I don’t actually feel any less “normal” than the rest of you. You wouldn’t notice me if we engaged in small talk. People who really know me often say I have a good heart, but can be very calculating and cruel at times. I can see what they mean. They tell me to try to “work on it” but I don’t think they really understand what they’re asking me to do. They’re asking me to get rid of a part of me. They’re asking me to murder Hyde.