From what you've said, it sounds like SF and the Bay Area may be more of an exception than the rule for the US as a whole. My only experience with it is one trip to Santa Clara, so SF is not what I'm basing my opinion on. Most suburbs that are not immediately outside of a major city are probably what you'd consider pretty podunk.

I've lived in places that really ran the gamut from middle-of-nowhere bible belt where we shared a party line with the few other trailers, podunk suburbs, to a small city, to NYC.

I don't do night-life, and I know a number of other people that don't really do the club/nightlife thing either. So maybe the whole find the beat of your drum/chaos/excitement thing is more referring to that. I have a pretty quiet, boring life in the big city and I love it. I'm a short walk away from a great greenmarket, tons of parks, a great bookstore, tons of good food, coffee, beer, etc., etc. And I never have to drive or sit in traffic.