Many thoughts that flashed through my mind as I read the suicide note, but I decided to file them all away and share only this old story:
The old town drunk died. His two sons, the bank president and the new town drunk were at his funeral. An onlooker, surprised at how different the two sons were, asked each one how he turned out the way he did.
The bank president responded, "With a father like that, how else could I turn out?"
The new town drunk responded, "With a father like that, how else could I turn out?"
FWIW, I am like the bank president. I have no idea why. All I know is that no matter whatever anyone ever did to me, it didn't matter. I have no idea if someone who turned out like the new town drunk can change (although I imagine it happens all the time). All I do know is that it is possible for a victim to succeed and overcome all of his "darkness".
If anyone has any history remotely close to OP's and is entertaining similar thoughts, feel free to contact me off-line. I will tell you right now what I'll respond with: absolutely nothing. Because I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how to become successful after being abused. But I do know that it's possible; I am living proof. Sometimes, just knowing that something is possible is enough to pursue it until you get it.
I'm truly sorry that OP's story ended like it did. Especially sorry because I know it could have been different. I just don't know how. Now no one will.
I highly recommend learning more about positive psychology and reading Dr. Ben-Shahar's book, "Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment" (2007)
We're all both the town drunk and the bank president - it just depends on who's in charge.
I run a successful web firm, and am outwardly a happy-go-lucky manic-type person - out of public view, I drink and brood.
Conversely, my younger brother, who lives with me, is a melodramatic, miserable guy outwardly, but has this inner happiness and contentedness that I've never understood, and have always both envied and feared.
We balance.
We both had equally fucked up childhoods in different ways - I had a father who would beat me and lock me outside in the snow, naked, on Christmas - he had no father of which to speak. I had a cowed, frightened animal of a mother, who'd claw and shriek, he had a mother so fucked up on christ knows what that she just didn't care.
Anyway - went on more of a tangent there than I intended - my point is that more people than you can ever possibly know are "damaged" in one way or another, but their incompleteness can be at least balanced by other people - what seems like meagre support can change someone's life.
An interesting note: filing your feelings away is what caused this whole thing. Of course, the ones you're filing away may not be as painful for you, but still.
I think repression is an area where people use the same words to talk about different things. Which is why I try and separating things as Successful repression which is used by most people on a regular basis and can be extremely helpful. However, "Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can't concentrate on anything else." suggests that the pain was not repressed just ignored which does not really deal with the problem.
Don't get me wrong ignoring things is also a useful technique for short term pain. However, it's best used for things like planing the funeral etc and if you are still using it after a few years it's really time to try something else / seek help.
A note of caution: If you choose to read the actual suicide note as I did, be prepared for a rather intense emotional trip. I don't mean to say that to dissuade anyone from reading it, but just that... I was not expecting what I ended up reading and it really made me sit back and, I dunno, just be sad for awhile. Such a shame.
I for one, thought that it was quite positive thing and I respect his decision to take his own life. It was very well thought-out suicide note; I think most people are quite baffled by it because of the degree of author's rational explanations, extreme honesty and empathy for others in spite of his own pains.
Also, he unintentionally perhaps shed light on programming which a lot of us could relate to,
At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason.
I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would
feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling.
Like Bill Zeller, I retreated into programming at an early age to right a wrong and while programming is a lot of fun; I hid behind a screen to escape personal problems that I thought that the coding marathon high, money & prestige would solve. And the more fun programming got, the worse the issues got and the more I dived into my rabbit-hole.
This is not to take away anything from Bill Zeller; he is an incredible brave man alive and dead. Anyone who went to Trinity knows that it's a very hostile environment for coming out. The fact that he kept coding software then and beyond and kept a completely normal pretense is incredible to me. And I want to thank him for his iTunes ripping software, his inspiration to me when I was at undergrad and his brutal honesty in his suicide note.
I wrote this, then decided that you must be trolling and thought better of it. Then I thought better of thinking better of it...
---
There's something that we need to understand about depression, suicidal depression: a depressed person can commit all their intellectual powers to rationalizing the awful feelings they have about themselves and the future. Someone sufficiently sharp can make an almost impenetrable cage out of these arguments. Their ideas can have the force of fact, of truth itself.
We find what we look for. Even the arguments we make to ourselves have their stakes and motivations. Mr. Zeller's written a great defense here of the futility of his own existence. He was apparently a smart guy; had I been there myself, I doubt I'd have been able to refute him. However, that he wins the argument doesn't mean that what he believes is true. It doesn't mean that he gets to have me respect his decision.
This is a hard thing, and ever so important for people dealing with someone who is depressed to this degree. Depressed folks can be very sharp, so we shouldn't let this kind of logic take us in. There is something deep and fundamental about life or death that an argument cannot sway; if my friend just can't go on and I can't find a problem with their reasoning, that doesn't mean I have to respect their decision. I just haven't found why they are wrong yet.
Clearly from the letter your respecting his decision is of little consequence. He wrote the letter so that you might understand him, not so that you would approve.
As for finding a reason where he is wrong, I'd say his dismissal of the counseling community was a bit swift because I know the difference between a good therapist and a bad therapist; but really that's beside the point.
The bottom line isn't about the acceptance of some "objective" truth. The only thing that would have mattered is if you could have guaranteed to Bill that there was a way for him to fix the problem and feel better. If there wasn't a way, then it's cruel of you to think he should have forced himself to endure a tortured existence just because you have an axiomatic objection to suicide. The truth is no one can say for sure whether there was a better solution for Bill, but since he spent 23 years dealing with it and wrote a pretty compelling piece, I'm gonna take his word over yours.
I'm not going to have an imaginary argument with a dead man here, nor do I mean to condemn him for what he did. I accept that it was a long, hard struggle, and that he lost. The only person who could have found a better solution was Mr. Zeller himself, and he has settled that question permanently.
There's something very deeply troubling about your comment, though--the idea that reasons and logic don't matter. That's plain irrational dogmatism, and the fact that it's dressed up to support a relatively uncontroversial conclusion like "suicide is always wrong" doesn't justify it. I'm not saying Bill Zeller was right to commit suicide--who can know that?--I'm saying there's something wrong about your reasoning here.
People often get this backwards. Emotions are the lines and reason is the colour. It's very had to colour outside the lines. Most of the time the picture of our lives is drawn by our emotions.
It's not that reason and logic don't matter. Reason and logic are imperfect tools, though, and engineering is a different sort of problem than deciding whether a friend should live or die. Honestly, hope for the future is often an irrational idea. It can be difficult to defend - especially against someone who is bright - but it is essential.
I don't believe that suicide is always wrong. I do believe that the lives we value should not be given up easily, and that we should not be easily swayed by the death wish words of the departed who we so dearly miss, mourn, and respect.
From the sounds of it, this guy did not give up his life "easily". I consider it a testament to human self-preservation that he survived this misery for so long.
I didn't think it was rational or positive at all. He suffers constant feelings of helplessness and inadequacy that permeate his every word. He is irrationally fearful and mistrustful. He's a misanthorpe--though I bet he wouldn't call himself that, because he'd rather blame himself than blame humanity, such that he would rather go to the grave than risk therapy... and his utterly twisted view of his fellow man led him to hide his problems until he dumped it all out in a way such that he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences he so feared, because he'd be dead.
The real burn is that he not only didn't want to put his rapist in jail, but was terrified of any steps that might remotely end up in that possibility. It's certainly very sad, but it's also, not to mince words, fucking cowardice that might even lead to seeing this tragedy repeated.
I don't want to be harsh, but we cannot cannot cannot talk about this stuff as positive or rational at all. Because it not only isn't, but these patterns of thought are extraordinarily dangerous to someone who might think they are rational.
I for one, thought that it was quite positive thing and I respect his decision to take his own life.
I disagree. Maybe it's possible to understand some of what he felt from his eloquent explanation, but I don't think suicide is ever the only solution.
There will be other people reading this, who will be in similar situations. It fills me with so much sadness to think that there might be one who reads this and thinks .. 'yep, that was the right thing to do'.
There isn't anything brave about taking your own life.
> I don't think suicide is ever the only solution.
What do you base this on? Wishful thinking about the capability of modern medicine? Or a belief that it's a person's duty to live through intolerable pain for the sake of others?
> It fills me with so much sadness to think that there might be one who reads this and thinks .. 'yep, that was the right thing to do'.
It annoys me that so many people will take a person who finally found peace from a life of intolerable pain, and have no thought but 'I would prefer they hadn't done that, to satisfy my abstract beliefs about right and wrong.'
I think the whole thing is very sad, but I feel very gratified to know that he is free of his demons forever.
> What do you base this on? Wishful thinking about the capability of modern medicine?
It could be a personal belief, just like your belief that "he is free of this demons forever" or the fact that he somehow "found peace". I don't see anything wrong with someone believing that suicide is never a good solution.
> It annoys me that so many people will take a person who finally found peace from a life of intolerable pain.
There is something about that statement that is bothering me and again, it is just probably because it clashes against my belief on life, death, etc. matters (so don't take this as a valid reasonable disagreement, just another point of view). The idea that somehow "he" is better now. I emphasize "he" because somehow it implies his continued existence, and that is quite strange. What if "he" doesn't exist anymore so there is nobody to feel at peace?
Does that mean that I would have preferred for him to still be alive and be suffering? Would have that been a better way? I don't think so either, so I am just another confused person.
I guess the best scenario would have been been if he sent out what he sent out but he didn't actually kill himself.
Perhaps naively, I believe that would have helped him, it would have let others know about his problem, and others , maybe even strangers like us, discussing his actions here, could have shared our stories or tried to do something to help.
I perceive the earnestness in your remarks, and I appreciate that. I mistook your earlier comments as more judgmental than they actually were. Sorry about that.
When I was in college a girl who was a close friend of a close friend killed herself, and I remember experiencing the same kinds of regrets that you are expressing. Wasn't there anything else she could have done? Didn't she know how much people cared about her?
Since then I've experienced things that have given me a different perspective, namely how a person's mind can be a prison of pain that all the external love in the world is a weak opponent against. I feel like Bill captured that when he described how even a relationship with a wonderful person whom he liked very much was sabotaged by his "darkness."
Maybe there is a drug that could have given Bill peace in life, but reading his note I feel almost certain that nothing anyone could say or do would have soothed his torment.
I don't dislike the idea of suicide because of a sense of morality. I think suicide should be avoided because it's so utterly final.
Your opinion also involves an abstract belief, don't forget that.
I'm an atheist - I don't think that heaven or hell awaits us when we die. I believe, when we die we cease to exist.
Your point of view only makes sense if one accepts the idea that nothing can be improved. If we accept that there's no hope left in the world - why bother at all?
There are whole fields of science dedicated to helping people improve their outlook on life after living with abuse. It's irresponsible to dismiss the options that are available.
I still feel suicide isn't the only - or best - solution.
I'm not sure anybody is saying his suicide was the right thing to do - what struck me was the logical/emotional trap this highly intelligent person had gotten himself into. I mean, clearly reasonable problems trusting anyone (he'd presumably trusted his family, and his unnamed abuser - and look where it got him! - along with his friends who outed him when he thought he had a reasonable expectation of confidentiality), so how could he get the help he needed? He couldn't even reasonably tell anybody of the bind he was in.
It was like a real-life version of a Chalker novel, without the escape of knowing it's just fiction. Horrible to read, given that his extreme eloquence and rationality make it crystal clear what was going on in his mind.
I don't think he was brave to take his life. I think he was brave to continue living it as long as he managed to do so.
Trying to live through this must have been so hard - and yes, maybe that involves bravery; but I think 'bravery' is the wrong term.
I think he lived an extremely difficult life - and I think it ended in tragedy.
It's a tragedy that he was subjected to abuse, it's a tragedy that he wasn't able to ask for (or receive) help and it's a complete and utter tragedy that he ended up taking his life.
I see your point - initially when I read the same, I thought that making reference to programming insight as a conclusion was a bit trite and insensitive.
I don't think the OP was trying to be insensitive - but it's not possible to take anything good from this act alone. The only possible positive thing that can result is increased personal understanding of the challenges that our own friends and acquaintances might be going through.
From reading the letter you can tell he was suffering extremely from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder throughout much of his life.
I did not feel sad as much as disgusted that, through our politicians, we have:
A) made illegal the most effective treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder : MDMA
B) continue to support the primary generator of new PTSD cases: war
If you want to do something other than sit around feeling sad for a while, help address one of the above problems and prevent the situation from happening again.
>Ecstasy is the key to treating PTSD
At last the incurably traumatised may be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And controversially, the key to taming their demons is the ‘killer’ drug Ecstasy
>For-profit pharmaceutical companies are not interested in developing MDMA into a medicine, because the patent for MDMA has expired. Companies cannot profit off of MDMA because it is only administered a limited number of times, unlike most medications for mental illnesses that are taken on a daily basis. Consequently MAPS is the only organization funding clinical trials of MDMA-assisted psychotherapy in the world
This is a very serious thing, and I don't intend to start any kind of back-and-forth here and further distract from the real issues here.
That said, standing on a political soap box about drug laws and war when Mr. Zeller's primary problem was obviously having been molested is ridiculous. Yes, it's possible that ecstasy in a clinical setting may have helped him, but he was let down in a lot more ways than an inability to get that particular treatment (as he says in the note, he wasn't even seeking treatment).
It's disrespectful to pin this political issue to a man's final note to the world. Even if this was an issue Mr. Zeller felt strongly about, he obviously didn't mean to be some kind of martyr for it.
edited to add: I don't disagree with your point, I just think your timing is awful.
I respect your disagreement. I see how grouping abuse with other forms of post-traumatic stress could be viewed insensitive to the personal suffering of Mr. Zeller. However, from a psychological perspective, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in all forms is associated with the recurring visions, nightmares, avoidance of treatment, and extreme cumulative pain he refers to. I justify and stand by the timing of my comment using the principle of harm reduction. Whenever painful incidents occur that challenge us very deeply psychologically, the world would be a better place if we all stopped and thought about how we contribute to that pattern of suffering... rather than brushing it under the cognitive rug to "think about later". Because usually we never will.
I did not feel sad as much as disgusted that, through our politicians, we have:
A) made illegal the most effective treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder : MDMA
B) continue to support the primary generator of new PTSD cases: war
A) You're going to have to do better than The Times, MSNBC, and a pro-psychedelic-legalization think tank to say MDMA is the most effective treatment. I'm not closed-minded to the idea that psychedelic drugs have positive psychiatric applications or that they should be legalized, but there's a lot of literature about treatments overall, and you've offered no comparative studies measuring the difference between MDMA and, for instance, cognitive behavioral therapy.
B) The stereotypical PTSD case is a returning war veteran. If you hadn't noticed, though, wars also tend to kill people and destroy things, and the added weight of PTSD among veterans doesn't change the essential moral calculus that much. Participating in the Vietnam War wouldn't have become a good idea if it wasn't for PTSD, and participating in the Second World War doesn't become a bad idea just because of PTSD.
But there's also no quantification of whether warfare is indeed the primary generator of PTSD cases; it's hard to find reliable statistics about it, but I would bet that most PTSD sufferers in the US are victims of sexual abuse rather than war veterans, since it's probably far, far more common for an American to be raped or sexually assaulted than for an American to join the military, go overseas, and actually participate in combat. Of course, rape isn't something we talk about much.
They even interview former rape victims and the affect it had on them.
You'll see that the government study listing its negative effects was false, disproved by several independent studies and later withdrawn bu the author, apologizing for his mistakes, like giving meth to his mice, instead of MDMA, oops.
I had that same impression. Although he repeated some of the basic points (darkness, depression, social isolation) ad nauseam, he strikes me as someone who had potential as a writer. It's tragic that he did not explore writing as a non-terminal outlet for his darkness.
Having grown up abused by my own parents (in all ways except sexually), I identify with a lot of what he says. I used to think of suicide daily, now I just think of death. Counseling (sans drugs) is what helped me get there. It's good and bad now, but there's a positive trend.
I think what saddens me most about this note is his experience with counseling professionals (though he does use the word doctor, so "counselor" might not be totally accurate). My counselor's office is where I most feel like myself, it's where I feel safe. If only Bill had a situation like that, he might still be here today.
I didn't know the guy personally, but I've read stories like this before, and one thing that stands out to me is how amazing some people that have been through trauma like this are. He went through all the hell that he did, dealt with it on a daily basis, yet still had the capacity to do great work, to make people laugh, to attract others to him, and to generally do awesome things (http://blog.from.bz/2009/03/01/sudo-make-me-a-sandwich-stub-...).
Do yourself a favor and read the note all the way through. Pass it around. Remember that in general, half of the people you see every day have it shittier than you do. Try not to be a jerk.
I think that what killed him is mistrusting other people.
He said he never talked to nobody about his situation, but it's impossible to have a good relationship with a great secret like that. He mentions his darkness, but I don't think that's what ended his relationships.
He also mentions counselors reading notes from previous sessions, but to me that's a sign they were doing their job properly; as they say "the devil's in the details".
I replied to you, seeing that you've got the same problems. I've suffered depression at some point, I can relate (somewhat), and I've gotten over it by being sincere about my problems with everybody and by fixing whatever I could fix (instead of hiding / ignoring them).
I hear that in his words as well. It's as if he was scared that people with his secret could hurt him again somehow. I'd say that's understandable.
I've never had a counselor actually read notes in front of me. They do have notes, and they do read them, but not while we're in a session. When that happened to him I imagine he felt more like a patient than a peer (for lack of a better word). It's disappointing to me because that's what counselors are for — they're supposed to create an opportunity for someone like Bill to open up. It's clear to me he didn't like holding his trauma as a secret but was afraid of it being used against him somehow.
Relationships are just an escape. He was aware of himself enough to know that, which is (was) a good sign. Darkness like his allows you to feel like you're head over heels in love in one moment, and then in another wonder WTF the point is if we're just going to die anyway. It's as if it were a drug. And like a drug, its efficacy fades over time.
Good for you for being able to be honest and open about your problems! That takes balls.
One technique that's worked while I'm in a depressed state is to just expect & accept it. When I get into a funk and think about how all I do is feel depressed, I tell myself, "No shit Yogi, of course you're going to feel this way, look at all the crap you have to deal with". Those few words don't get rid of the sad feeling, but it helps me get past it. I feel like that's all most people need, a way to get on with it.
Even after years of therapy, I'm still amazed at how trained our brains can become. Unfortunately for many, that hard wiring forces them into a downward spiral, where from it's harder and harder to recover.
Yogi
If I may - I will highly suggest you read Power of Now - chunk at a time, randomly, start to end whatever fits your bill. I see the seeds of acceptance in you so may be you have already read it - if not, please do.
While reading the suicide note, and the 2 threads on this, i could not help wondering many many times how much it would have helped Bill had he read the Power of Now. One problem i notice is that people who are stuck in a problem, keep trying the same solution for decades even though its not worked. We need to look at our problem from other angles and be open to new solutions.
That's exactly why depression is so hard to shake. You beat yourself up repeatedly without even knowing it and wonder why the heck you can't just snap out of it.
Sometimes I wonder how my counselor deals with telling me the same thing again and again for months. And then I sign her check :)
Seems like this is a book worth checking out, thanks!
Its only worth it if you practice it. And it gets easier with practice.
Since you mention your counselor, i assume you have been depressed. One big problem (to put it briefly) is that often depressed people identify with their depression/sadness and don't wish to leave it. They are their biggest enemy. You have to be willing to give it up. At the expense of sounding cliched, the only price to pay for happiness, is your unhappiness/misery and for many, its a huge price.
Best of luck. Happiness and freedom do exist. What Bill Zeller spoke off does exist and is possible.
> "I will never know what uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give."
So much of what he talks of, even i have suffered _without_ having been sexually abused. He did not realize that many feeling/thoughts he had, come and go in all humans, if they come to his mind. It's fine to just ignore them like all the dust that flies about us.
Please also check out the youtubes of one Mooji. They have greatly deepened my practice.
I think what saddens me most about this note is his experience with counseling professionals
I can relate to that part of the note. With one (minor?) exception, I've never seen a proper doctor about my issues, but I've been to a number of counselors over the years. Almost all of them have been completely useless to me, because I can clearly see that I'm not safe there.
I think it's a bit like the situation Mr. Zeller faced. I don't want to go far into my issues, because this isn't the place for that and, even if it were, my issues are nothing compared to his, but suffice it to say that in high school I was pretty concerned about my ability to manage my anger. I managed to tell a guidance counselor this, one I'd known since I started high school (she had first been my French teacher, then was assigned to me when she transitioned into counseling), and asked to be referred to a counselor before I hurt someone.
When I was with the counselor, however, although I was there explicitly because I was worried about hurting people, I was always measured in my responses. I limited what I said because I was always trying to determine where exactly the line was where a counselor becomes legally obligated to report me to someone, and I tried my damnedest to stay on my side of that line. It limited what I said, and it limited how much I could get out of the experience, and so ultimately everything broke down and the counselor more or less told me to come back when I was willing to actually talk. I ended up getting basically nothing out of the experience, except for some extra time with my grandparents since they lived near the counselors office. Considering my grandfather died in April, and I still think of him every day, I suppose I should be grateful for the experience because even if I got fuck all out of the actual counseling, I still got to see my grandparents more.
My experience with counseling inclines me to say that you took fuck all out of the counseling, not the other way around. It sounds like your issue in high school wasn't just anger, it was anger that might hurt someone. That's a part of the problem that needs to be addressed, even if a counselor deems it necessary to report you.
But — obviously nothing is that black and white, especially not after just a few sentences of background information. Just as there are crap professors, there are crap counselors. If you ever give it another shot, I'd suggest seeing a few of them (first sessions can usually be free) and finding one you feel comfortable with.
I agree that it might not be the right place to get really deep into this. Feel free to email me.
I didn't think there was imminent danger of hurting anyone, just that if I left it unchecked it could get to a stage where eventually I couldn't control it anymore. I was there seeking guidance on how to stop something from potentially becoming an issue, but I was always mindful that someone could see it as a more imminent threat than I believed it was, and would report me.
I have trust issues in addition to the anger issues (the anger issues are mostly controlled now, though the trust issues remain) and so I could never feel free to open up to a counselor because that would make me vulnerable. If you have a minor problem but opening up leaves you vulnerable to major complications, then you're understandably less likely to open up because the risk isn't worth the reward.
Counselors are a bit like HR. In theory, they can help you, but in practice they're often not worth the risk since putting anything into "official channels" makes everything formal and there are rigid procedures to follow. I'd rather talk to a friend than a counselor, just like it's often better to informally take problems up with your manager rather than reporting the issue to HR.
One thing you have to realize is that a counselor/doctor is not your friend, but someone that helps you solve your problems with professional advice (level of competency varies of course).
Getting over any recurrent destructive mood is much like a war. First you need to go to war, then you need strategies, you need to work on it and there's going to be pain involved, with multiple battles won and lost.
Going to counseling is one way to do it, another would be medication, or support groups or just good friends that care. Either way you have to deal with it and it isn't warm and cozy.
One thing you have to realize is that a counselor/doctor is not your friend
For a person dealing with trust issues, this sort of realization shatters any chance of progress, at least in my personal experience.
I can't feel safe if I think I could say the wrong word and have the cops drag me off for questioning. That's why I never got anywhere with counseling. For a person with trust issues, it's extremely important that you feel safe in counseling since you're making yourself extremely vulnerable by exposing yourself to them.
I've since dealt with a lot of my issues on my own. I haven't hurt myself intentionally in over two years, and that was an anomaly. It had been over two years since I had last hurt myself at that point.
The point is that these aren't easy problems, and there are no easy solutions.
If you are still afraid of crossing some sort of invisible line where your doctor/counselor is required to report you, then I would suggest that you research that a bit so that you know where that line is yourself. Then you can evaluate whether or not you think that you'll be able to fully open up without worrying about crossing that line. It may be worth the time/effort that you put into the research.
And fortunately counselors and doctors are humans as well, and you can find ones that will care personally about you. In this case "friend" is a loaded term, because of course it is true that you are paying for professional services, but on the other hand, friendship is not exactly a well-defined term, and there are some pretty tenuous and abusive reasons underlying a lot of real friendships.
I've had a couple really good counselors, and the sense of trust and genuine caring is actually better than with most friends. Part of it is that there are no social dynamics to worry about within a group of friends, and another is that this person is a professional who has a much greater chance of having the tools and experience to deal with what are very difficult and private issues.
Now my issues were not with trust, so I'm not trying to say that trust is easy. All I'm saying is that there are counselors out there who are worthy of your trust.
'Do yourself a favor and read the note all the way through. Pass it around. Remember that in general, half of the people you see every day have it shittier than you do. Try not to be a jerk.'
Reminds of an unattributed quote I heard somewhere:
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
As someone who once planned to take a secret to my grave, this whole thing saddens me.
I was luckier in a way that altered the course of my life, I let slip to a friend in college that I had a secret. I had no intention of telling him of course, but then he went ahead listing dozens and dozens of possible secrets until he skipped over mine. So I took a chance and I told him and he accepted me.
Looking back, that was the first crack in the darkness. People like me and Bill Zeller might only drop a hint that something is wrong once in our lives, don't be afraid to go chasing after it.
Thanks for finally sharing Bill, rest in peace now.
A lot of this letter described what I felt like up until just a few months ago. I have also had experience with physical and emotional violence (no rape though) and felt absolutely worthless most of my life. One year ago I decided to seek out a therapist, which was one of the hardest things ever to do for me. Therapy has been painful at times, sometimes leaving me completely in shambles. But today I can say that I'm happy to be alive, and I feel worth of being loved and I escaped the dark cloud that used to surround me almost constantly for the majority of my life.
What I'm saying is: seek professional help. If you feel like you can't go on anymore, seek professional help. Talking helps. Let go of the secrets that keep eating you up alive. Share them with at least one person, be it a friend or a professional. But under no circumstance keep them to yourself until they kill you. Some of them weigh too much too carry them alone. Let someone help you.
Bill wanted to tell someone, but only one person. The problem is that you can't tell one person because everyone has someone else that they will tell. Someone always has a higher allegiance to another than you. Maybe it is different for married people, but then we get a chicken and egg problem. How can you find a partner to marry when issues like this, kept secret, keep you from having a long-term relationship?
He tried to trust people at Trinity but they spread his secrets. He knows that doctors and counselors have allowances for when they can disclose information. He probably floated personal information his whole life to people to see if they could be trusted. I bet each secret came back to him from another party. He couldn't find a person to trust so he didn't disclose his ultimate secret.
He only wanted 1 person. He could deal with 1. Maybe years later 2 people, but for now just 1. Not 1 in an anonymous posting online. Not 1 in a chat room. 1 right in front of you.
The problem is that there isn't 1. Some people can deal with that, being open and all. For some, the quest for 1 is the goal, and realization that there isn't 1 is hard to take. It doesn't help.
I read a lot of me in that letter. I am 29 now. Will I make it to 30? Yes. 35? Maybe. 40? ...
I'd like to respond to your assertion that "he knows that doctors and counselors have allowances for when they can disclose information."
This is true, but I think that it would be possible to find a counselor that would not disclose any information, even if they were technically allowed to do so. Furthermore, it seems possible to me that such secrets could be partially disclosed to a counselor in a way in which there would be no incentive for that counselor to pass along the information to another party.
Not having been in this kind of situation before, I can't imagine how horrible it would be to harbor such a secret for a lifetime, and perhaps for Bill the sheer weight of it made it impossible for him to tell anyone. But, I would just like to try to make the point that there are viable options other than keeping secrets bottled up.
As for your final comment, I sincerely hope that you can find the help that you need to make it through whatever it is that is distressing you.
To understand where Bill is coming from you really need to hop into his shoes. He tried to trust people but they violated that trust. Regardless of the reasons for doing that, they didn't keep his secret. What he told them was much less important to him than his ultimate secret. If they can't keep those smaller secrets, why can they keep the big one?
For better or worse all of the other things he told people were tests. Who can keep this secret? You, ok, I will let you in on a little more, then a little more, then a little more. But no one kept all of them, so no one could complete the journey to the last one.
Bill had no reason to trust a doctor. Everything in his life confirmed the exact opposite - no one is to be trusted, everyone will tell your secrets. Everyone always has that one person that they want to tell, but no worries, it's ok, that person won't tell anyone.
Yup, but everyone has that person. And unfortunately for Bill, he wasn't able to find someone to tell, and have their "one person" be Bill, thus keeping his secret between two, and only two, people in this world.
For some people that 'one person' is themselves. And those people aren't necessarily abused people with deep, dark secrets. To say that everyone has that person is a fallacy. The world rarely deals in absolutes.
That is true, it certainly is possible. I can't actually prove the absolute case.
But I do believe that it is much more probable that everyone has a personal outlet with whom they speak. Life is hard. (Can I even say that absolutely? Although completely foreign to me, I suppose there are people out there that don't have hardships in life.) People need to vent to someone, share some close or special with someone, and make a connection.
Without that people explode. This is one way people without that outlet explode.
People aren't linear functions. People treat information with the severity they think it has. So the notion that someone can't keep a "bigger" secret because they betrayed a smaller secret does not hold.
What you said is exactly the problem. It isn't for you to decide what is a big or small secret. If a person wants something kept quiet, that should be enough. The receiver's own view of what should be spread is immaterial.
It isn't for the secret-listener to decide what is worthwhile to hold in confidence. A small secret shouldn't be disclosed just because the person that heard it thinks that it isn't worth keeping secret.
Besides, I don't think contemporary community standards would consider coming out as gay as being a small secret.
Generalizing further, it really isn't fair for me to classify any of these as big or small. One person may consider coming out as gay as no big deal and hide past sexual abuse, while another may consider disclosing past sexual abuse as no big deal and not disclose sexual orientation. It isn't for me to decide which is bigger than the other.
> Besides, I don't think contemporary community standards
> would consider coming out as gay as being a small secret.
Well, I agree that coming out shouldn't be viewed as a small secret. Though I feel in the minds of a lot of people "something that are you are" is more likely to be fair game for rumor and ridicule than "something (especially a trauma) that has happened to you." I.e. confiding a tragedy/trauma to someone will more universally be perceived as 'serious' and 'a big deal' in terms of keeping confidences.
Good point distinguishing between rumor mill and personal trauma.
I think that might only affect the number of people that are told, though. Rumor mill will spread like wildfire. Trauma will be told to one other person, and the one other person will probably keep it to himself.
It is possible that the first person won't disclose further. Bill seems to have made a general social commentary about finding that person is very difficult. He couldn't trust his family. He tried friends and that didn't work. Counselors wouldn't work.
How many people do you have to try? Many people say try until you die of natural causes. Others say this was enough.
There is a 1 person, but it requires trust. And trust isn't beside the point, it's part of it. That trust is part of the intimacy involved in sharing a secret, and it is part of the bonding between two people. If you confide something that important to someone you care about, that may strengthen the relationship.
"How do you know? How do you really know you can trust me?"
This is a sad story. I am reminded of another Princeton suicide, Manzili Davis '06 drove to California during spring break of his senior year, rented a storage unit and took his life inside of it. It was weeks before he was found. http://www.princeton.edu/main/news/archive/S14/54/83M99/
We had mutual friends and I met him a few times. He had his own "darkness" just like Bill Zeller.
I do wonder if places like Princeton bring out the darkness in people there. I enjoyed my time there but spent the last year of it in and out of counseling and more depressed than I ever hope to be again.
There were some good counselors there in the health center who were kind and patient. It's too bad Bill wasn't able to connect with one of them.
A lot of the problem is with the town. The "town" of Princeton is a sham propped up to impress visiting students. There's really not a whole lot there. Meanwhile, students are required to live in dorms all 4 years, which gives them a really artificial "home life" that doesn't help ground you very much either.
I lived and worked in the town of Princeton for two years after graduation and it was a thoroughly depressing and isolating experience. Unless you're a member of the university community, there's just nothing there to get excited about. You have to leave on the train for the day to do anything interesting.
I disagree strongly that Princeton is a "sham" town-- it's very real and has its own identity outside of the University. I've spent quite a bit of time there and there are plenty of people who have lived there for years with no connection whatsoever to the school.
As to your contention that there is "not a whole lot there", I would just give you Labyrinth Books as Exhibit A: one of the best bookstores on the East Coast IMO.
I'm a little more open to your feeling that Princeton is isolated, but originally there was a reason for that. A lot of American schools are in the middle of nowhere. At one time this was a selling point for parents: they felt better sending their kids to schools where there was little chance of big-city trouble to get into like NY or Chicago (for example). It is a genuine tragedy if Bill Zeller fell victim to isolation that was originally planned to protect students, not psychologically alienate them.
While Princeton may not quite have been sunny California, the banks of the Charles, or Manhattan's Upper West Side, at least you weren't in frozen, sunless, vitamin-D-less Ithaca, or downright dangerous New Haven. Count your blessings. :)
I really don't want to change the subject or take away from the discussion about Bill, but I just want to quickly interject and say I disagree with this. I have now lived in Princeton for 18 years, unaffiliated with the University (I went to HS here, but go to college elsewhere). The town is picturesque, historic, and enhanced by the sterling reputation of the University. As for the isolation, NYC is just an hour train ride away, Philly an hour and a half. I suppose there isn't a ton of stuff to do in the town, but I've never found it to be a problem. In any case, Princeton is a great place to live.
You've lived there for 18 years. I assume that means you have 18 years worth of friends, family, neighbors, memories. Completely unrelated situation. Imagine if you knew no one there when you got there, didn't own a car, were single, had no kids, and your nearest family member lived 1000 miles away. That's the kind of isolation a lot of undergrads and grad students face there. And the town of Princeton doesn't really have a whole lot for them.
Sorry to hear you had a bad experience, but it's not a universal one. I did the same thing (4 years undergrad followed by 2 years living/working in the town) and had a great time. Other than reunions, I didn't do anything university-related after graduating, so it's not like I was just extending my college experience by two more years.
You're way off-base about this. Lots of good schools are in college towns that have "not a whole lot there." This has absolutely nothing to do with what causes a handful of people to commit suicide. And Bill's suicide note gives no indication that he was upset about anything Princeton-specific. I'm sorry you had a bad experience living in the town of Princeton, but that's completely orthogonal to what happened here.
'You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever.'
I hate that word 'actionable'. Every time I hear it used it is with the implicit assumption that the only information of value is information that is directly 'actionable', which is completely false.
There is also information that enlightens, that expands our understanding of ourselves, other people, or the world, that changes our perspective, or answers why things are the way they are, that is equally or more valuable. That kind of knowledge is not directly 'actionable', but often shows the way forward.
The psychologist Milton Erickson showed that people innately know what they need to do overcome internal problems, but sometimes need an external impetus to realize and do it. Erickson found ways of providing that impetus with mirroring, indirect logic, and reframing, among others. Too bad Bill never found someone like that.
Without going in to many details, I understand where he is coming from. I don't have the same history as Bill did, but I have lived through a generous amount of trauma that has left me to be diagnosed with PTSD, much as it seems he was dealing with. I have seen myself in his shoes in the past, and thankfully for me I have been able to move on and share my life with someone who understands my past, and let me understand her past which has been filled with similar trauma.
While it is a shame to see someone take their life, I can't help but agree that it is not selfish to commit suicide, but rather it is selfish to make someone live with the pain they are enduring. This doesn't make it OK, nor should people take that route, and at all costs should someone do their best to get the help they need - because no matter what, there is someone who can and will listen to you when it comes down to it. In the end though, don't hold it against the person if this is their ultimate decision - and think about try to remember them for the positive things that they stand for. When my best friend killed himself in front of me, I didn't know what to do, or how to react - I now understand and forgive him for everything, even though I think it could have been better for him in the long run if we had spent 15 minutes talking about his problems...
My condolences to his family and friends. I wish him peace and serenity - he deserves it.
Damn, I saw the original (now deadened) post about this, and quickly sent him a Facebook message to try to convince him to choose life. Looks like I failed. Such a shame for such a bright mind to end so sadly and suddenly. Rest in peace.
I was apparently the first person on the phone with Princeton police (calling from Canada), while my friend posted the original thread you speak of. It seems he had already begun to hang himself by this time. I somehow wish I could have called a minute or two earlier. And further, wish he had been able to talk to someone about this before it ended the way it did. RIP my friend.
Brutal! How can we help if we don't even know something's wrong?
(Assuming that wasn't rhetorical): By treating people with real respect and gentleness. You never know whom you are dealing with or how your behavior will impact them.
I was molested and raped as a child, something I'm pretty open about. For me, a big deal moment was after the birth of my second child when the doctor took off his gown and, apparently without really thinking about it, gently wiped some of the blood off of me. I have no idea what his name was. The birth of my second child happened pretty fast, so I interacted with this man for probably 15 minutes or less. I had never known a man to be that gentle or considerate before. I have no reason to think he ever had any idea how big of a deal that one action was to me. It made a big psychological and emotional impact and I still remember it with some clarity -- how startled I was and how strange and wondrous it seemed -- more than 21 years later (even in spite of the 9 or 10 years I was doped to the gills on prescription and non-prescription medication for a serious medical crisis, which has left me with "swiss cheese for brains"). It occupied my mind for some weeks afterwards, if not longer.
Send his note to your friends and friends of friends. Disseminate it widely. It will send the message that people care. Somebody you know may be dealing with something similar.
The sad part is that there are people who can keep confidences. There are counselors who would keep his confidence. There are friends who would keep his confidence. I'm convinced there's probably even a girl out there who could love him enough for who he was to help him understand that even though the darkness was present her love was for him and was willing to deal with it's presence.
If anything, this letter, and any suicide, can have the positive influence on the rest of us, encouraging us to reach out to those around us who are pained or troubled in anyway to just kind of try and lift their burdens for a moment.
Sorry if that sounds unrealistic, but there's been two suicides in my neighborhood in the last 6 months, and in both cases I think if there'd been more public discussion of options, more open discussion in society about feeling like there's no way out and what you can do when you feel that way, if there had been people who had been willing to tell people, "Hey, I know you've got issues, but I'm willing to be your friend anyway..." that in some way their lives perhaps could have been altered.
This whole thing has been making me think: It'd be expensive as hell and not covered by medical insurance, and it sounds crazy, but I wonder if talking to a lawyer would've helped. A study I can no longer locate found that talking to any intelligent person who shows an interest is comparable to a professional therapist; and lawyers generally take the privacy of their clients very seriously.
The Model Rules of Professional Conduct (with each state adopting their own, perhaps different rules) allow a lawyer to disclose confidential client information to prevent reasonably certain death or substantial bodily harm. MRPC 1.6(b)(1).
So the lawyer may have kept his confidence, but may have had the option to disclose.
Unfortunately, not the steel trap that Bill was looking for.
> Unfortunately, not the steel trap that Bill was looking for.
A catholic priest may not reveal anything he learned during the confession, no exceptions. That's the only "profession" I know with such a strong promise of confidentiality.
"Can. 983 §1. The sacramental seal is inviolable; therefore it is absolutely forbidden for a confessor to betray in any way a penitent in words or in any manner and for any reason."
http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/_P3G.HTM
We have to make steps towards 100% trustable counsellors to talk to. Certification programs, regular auditions. Have them live together in a remote place with the rule that talking about patients means expulsion. I'm just spitballing here, but I'm sure there is some way to have guaranteed trustable people to talk to.
And then make sure that people with trust issues find them. This would surely save many lifes. Why aren't we doing this?
Sometimes there is just nothing you can do. Not because it's "predestined" or any of that sort of nonsense, but because there's simply nothing that will work. It doesn't matter how smart, strong or motivated you are; you'll never stop an avalanche with a shovel.
All I can say is that I am angry. Not sad, but angry! Angry at what? The world? The fact that this can happen? The person that molest him? The incomprehensible miserable feeling that I cannot hope to understand?
I went to a boarding school in high school. Being a relatively nice school, we had campuswide wireless and and the last two years of my education there, we were also allowed to have our laptops in the dorms. So when I discovered MyTunes which allowed every single student in the dormitory to access each other's music, it was an instant hit. Pretty sure everyone with a laptop and iTunes had it installed and there was one particular time I remember the IT guys realizing the awkward amount of traffic originating around the boys' dorm.
I met Bill when we interned at the same company during the summer of 2009. He was a very reserved guy, not shy or introverted --or maybe a little--. During a boring afternoon, I remember googling him and finding out that he was the who wrote MyTunes.
This was then my first foray into the tech industry and right there I was chatting it up with the guy who wrote that random piece of software that became a hit at my school. It was very weird for me and I think I made it weird for Bill for a while too because I made such a big deal out of it.
I'd not say we became good friends but I became someone Bill would at least come say hi when we had stuff together as interns and that made me feel special. We talked about random things several times, we had one particular fun conversation about life in CT and another about deanonymizing data from AOL search results.
During that summer, Bill transformed from being a rather chubby guy to a decent looking man; I think he had put pictures of himself before and after the summer. It was kind of humbling as I was kind of trying to do the same but couldn't pull it off like he did.
Once the internship was over, we became friends on Facebook and talked randomly every once in a while. Maybe a few times at best. I liked his status updates, he liked mine. Stuff like that.
So few days ago, I woke up sick at 6AM (PST) and kind of involuntarily logged in to Facebook. I saw his status update which was just "Note: <link>". I clicked on it and there it was, that note. Sitting in my bed, reading the first paragraphs, I wasn't sure if this was something he wrote, something he wanted to share or some sort of random writing. It took me a few passes of the first few paragraphs to realize that this was what I thought it was.
Once I realized that, I started shivering. I knew I had to do something but wasn't sure what I had to do. I saw my RA from college was online; I told him that I think I saw a suicide note on Facebook and I was calling the police. He told me that I should first call my friend but I didn't have Bill's #.
So I looked up the Princeton PD's phone number and gave them a call. As soon as I mentioned "Bill Zeller", they transferred me first to a "safety official" and then to another.
The gentlemen on the phone told me that "someone has found him" and they "took him down for treatment". I asked him about his condition but all he'd say was "he is receiving treatment". They took down my phone number and my name and I hung up.
As a response to what I realized has happened, I sent Bill a pretty lengthy message on Facebook. I told "him" that I wasn't qualified to say anything about his pain but I would be very upset to see a man like him perish. I told him a part of the MyTunes story, probably the 10th time now. I told him that things, however shitty, might become would get better. I felt like I had to tell him that I cared. I told him to "hit me up" when he comes to SF. I think we had a brief conversation on Facebook when I posted something about moving to SF and how he'd say hi.
It feels very weird that I sent that message now. No idea if anyone is going to read it. If I believed in god or after-life, I would have hoped that he'd see it.
Now I saw the news, weirdly on HN before anywhere else. I read the MeFi link and all the comments here; I saw Karan's comments about how he called Princeton PD too. This is all weird to me and I have no idea why I am writing this. Some sort of self-help, I guess.
I checked his Facebook account. It's bizarre, it really is. This is not the first suicide of someone I knew or the first suicide of someone on Facebook whose profile I can see. People are commenting, posting things. There are a few comments like "I hope you can pull thru", posted around the time his condition become public and then it becomes all condolences as the news of his passing is heard.
It is weird to see him posting photos of a random desert he made a few days before he hung himself.
I don't want to turn this into a cheesy "how technology has life and death" thing so I'll stop here.
When I read the note, what stuck wasn't that he was abused but how big of a secret he had and still couldn't do anything about it. Or even more than that, how something like this ate him up from the inside, consumed him. That just makes me look at people around him and wonder. And then I feel childish, for wondering for things like that.
I had a really big mistrust for most people around me, caused by a rather traumatic incident. Nothing too extraordinary, I just took it badly. I felt like everyone around me was out to get each other. I don't think I ever considered suicide but I remember thinking that I'll carry that scar for the rest of my life.
I wish that Bill could get help. As others have said, there are people you can trust your secrets with, maybe not your friends but professional counselors. I cannot get myself to say "I respect his decision" as this is someone taking their life and I wish he didn't perish like this but part of me feels that at least he won't suffer the way he had been apparently.
I'll take a few moments today to think about my issues, things that make me upset and will try to talk to someone about them. Maybe I'll drink a bit, talk to some friends about some of my issues, most of which are admittedly minor. I hope everyone who reads the news of Bill takes a few moments to think about their life and how they can help themselves. Maybe that way, he'll have helped others handle their problems and not do what he did.
Just like any opinion, one very well written, it kind of made me feel that he can be right.
But No. I don't want to believe in that.
Also, I really don't understand his situation. Only the one with the injury knows how painful it is. But I really wish the nice people don't leave the world so soon for a stupid reason.
It was scary to read his explanations why he can not open up. We can send some peace Bill's soul's way if we learn the situation a bit better and try to be more helpful to people who might be in trouble.
Bill is like many others, haunted by his past, but appart from that he was a great men. Others would have killed many people rather than avoid much pain.
The "see you someday" fallacy did not kill him. Actually, his contempt for his parents' religion (which is a tangential component in the note; certainly not its primary grievance and not "what killed him") was caused by the "I'll never see you because you'll be burning in awful hell forever because you disagree with my pastor" fallacy.
There are always unknown factors in any relationship, friendship or acquaintance. We can never know the full sum of another person's experiences, or how these have shaped the way they see the world.
More than anything, the next time I feel wronged or judgemental - I'm going to make more of an effort to give the benefit of the doubt. The world isn't black or white - the shades of grey seem to increase with every day.
I've been wondering what the outcome was since the suicide note was posted here briefly the other day, and have been meaning to look for an obituary. It was a very powerful note. I hope he can finally access the peace he sought.
This is a sad day for all programmers, and also for those who have been molested in any way. I cannot honestly understand the true pain he must have felt, but I believe his pain was unlike anything most of us can understand.
What was most telling was his utter disgust for his parents, to the extent he loathed them even more than he loathed the person who molested him and caused darkness to reign over his life. And most ironic is that his parents believed abandoning him for the love of God was in their and his best interest. I am a Christian, and it sickens me what they have done because of what they believed as him not being "saved."
I want to believe him, that he took his life because of the "darkness" in his life, resulting from being molested as a child. But I am still puzzled that he never spoke a word of disgust about the person who molested him. This was shocking, considering he laid into his friends who couldn't keep a secret, he mercilessly criticized his parents, yet never mention a bad word about the molester, only the "darkness."
Unless, and this might be huge, the "darkness" is his father. He said his mother loves him at one point, but he never said a good word about his dad. He only criticized his father (while criticizing both parents). I am beginning to think his father is the one who molested him, considering everything in his letter.
The letter was very important, because it allows the reader to carefully study and try to understand what might have caused this young man to take his own life. Though being molested caused him much trouble and "darkness" throughout his life, I believe his parents are partly to be blame for his mindful decline into frightful and terrifying non-existence. And the big secret in his letter is probably that his father molested him.
Its a very sad story. Its a sad ending to a sad life. I have known many people with a horrible past. I cannot understand their pain. I cannot understand their depression because I have never experienced it. I can understand their desire to end it all. By observing and listening to their pain that goes on year after year, I can believe their life is very sad. When I was younger I wanted to become violent against the perpetrators of such crimes. Now that I am older, I realize this just adds to the problem. As a parent, his note is very revealing to me. A warning about how I could make mistakes with my children. I did not find it to intense. I am very grateful he took the time to explain everything. I am grateful he talked about his family. I will spend quit a bit of time thinking about his family and the mistakes they made. We can learn from his pain.
My perps were never caught either. I identify with a lot of the feelings he illustrated in this letter. It's bringing tears to my eyes.
It is so hard to explain something as controversial as this to people who have never experienced or do not understand it, and Bill did a momentous job.
Rest in peace, Bill Zeller, and I wish for a moment that I believed in some kind of afterlife, because you deserve heaven after all this hell you've been through.
Strange to see a name on HN and think, wait, I knew someone with that name. Wait, the guy I knew went to Princeton. Wait...
I never met Bill in person, but we collaborated on a couple projects and used to exchange random e-mails and IMs. He was a bright guy and I enjoyed our correspondence. His note is heartbreaking, and I hope he has finally found peace.
I've no business commenting on this as I haven't ever suffered a similar sort of trauma, you could argue. However I did start reading this note and found myself strongly flustered at this part:
I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling.
I'm annoyed at how stupid it is. And how, until recently, I wouldn't even have noticed. Let me translate to illustrate:
I desperately wanted to see what was on top of that hill over there. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would find out what is at the top of the hill. But nothing I did made a dent in my knowledge
Wouldn't that be silly? Wouldn't that make you wonder what he was thinking? Wouldn't you say "so go climb the hill. That's what you need to do and that's all you need to do. Forget the distractions. Go over there. Climb the hill as high as you can and keep trying every few days until you build up the fitness to get to the top".
Yet you see the note of the guy and you feel sorry for him and how hard he tried to keep living and how much he struggled and what pain he was in and he missed this concept completely. If you want peace you need to work on peace and why you can't be at peace and changing yourself so you can. If you want to not be haunted you need to work on not being haunted and if you want to be happy you need to work on being happy and how you can be. Not on grad school or weight loss or gym work or anything else. Your life isn't unhappy, your thoughts are unhappy. Don't improve your life, improve your thoughts. It might not work, but the other way cannot work.
If your code isn't working right, you'll never ever ever fix it by going to the gym. You will only stand any chance of fixing it if you look for the bugs in the code that isn't working and out from there. If you have been hurt and can't be happy, you need to work out how to feel happy even though you got hurt. That's it. That mental adjustment is where the bulk of your energy should be going. Learning to change it and trying repeatedly until you succeed.
It's so frustrating to look at it and see him basically saying "I skirted around my problems all my life and suffered horribly, and when they didn't magically go away I decided they were completely unfixable".
You can feel however you like about whatever you like. This definitely extends to feeling good even when bad things happen. Maybe not all bad things, but many. It may not extend to PTSD. What's frustrating is that he believed he was unfixable without any solid basis for that belief - without talking to a single expert, even - then made the biggest and last decision of his life based on this conclusion.
It's not cowardly or morally inferior or anything like that, it's just ... a strategy that stands a low chance of helping.
You assume that he was able to apply logic to his emotional sensibilities. Because of what happened to him, this could never be the case. The darkness, as he called it, enveloped his reason. One of a host of horrific and sad consequences of his suffering.
Because of what happened to him, this could never be the case.
No, not because of what happened to him, because almost nobody thinks that way in our society so there's no reason why he would.
Is there anything in your life which hurts to think about? Have you ever dedicated yourself to working out why it hurts and how to stop it hurting, or do you continually avoid thinking about it? I'm guessing that there is, and that you avoid it because it's never even crossed your mind that it might be fixable.
And that it's almost certainly not crossed your mind to start by assuming it is fixable and then try as many techniques as you can find and keep trying hard and practising them and looking for more and not giving up until you have found one that works. Because, you know, everyone suffers and suffering is normal. Isn't that sad?
Actually, I do this often - I often think about why something is bothering me or why a particular incident hurt me or offended me. Maybe because I'm pretty introspective, I literally don't know how to put off things that bother me because they are ever present in my mind.
And I do assume that it's fixable because, at one point, I was not bothered or unhappy or depressed. So I assume that whatever it is that's upsetting me, I can find out the cause, fix it, and return to being ok.
Sometimes this type of problems and feelings just don't go away, regardless of if you make it to the top of the hill. The internal pain and suffering becomes part of you and you're forever changed into someone else. We as human beings are defined by our pasts, as they shape us into who we are today. Sometimes, it's too much to bare. Sometimes it's manageable. And ever once in a while, someone goes over the edge. To be honest, if you're in so much pain and can't really live with it, can anyone really blame you for taking the only road that can most definitely end the pain?
Wow...I knew him at Princeton in a passing sense, we were in the same computer graphics class and he advised my group for another class. He was without a doubt a brilliant guy.
This might be a good time to mention that we are looking for volunteers for http://CompassionPit.com/. It was created by people who have struggled with depression for most of their life. The other day someone commented about it, "I used CompassionPit for the first time this week. I really like the idea of it. Reminds me of when I reached out to an online videogame friend when I was 12 years old when I was super depressed." I think many people here can relate to this. Anyway, if you want to contribute you can do it in two ways. You can either just join and be present for other people, or you can help with the source code. It's written in python. Your help would be very much appreciated. Thanks.
I would consider it but I am skeptical that it would be a worthwhile change. E.g. Something like "CompassionPlane" might promote more of a sense of equality but it also negates the dark truths that, if more readily confronted, would perhaps have helped certain people avoid the "pit" they are in. When you are feeling awful it does not help to pretend otherwise. You are truly feeling awful and not resisting it is the first step.
Is it OK to have a rational outlook on life? I have at times considered volunteering for things like CompassionPit, but I guess my view of the world might seem weird to some people. For starters, I am not religious, and for some religion might be the only consolation?
I'm sorry, but I think that it's a terrible idea. If it ever gets popular, it will get swamped by trolls from Something Awful, 4Chan, and other cesspools. The last thing you need is for someone to go looking for help and have someone go "LOL KILL YOURSELF." Followed by rude language.
I believe that that problem could be mitigated by some kind of a reputation system.
I am not saying that it is a simple problem, it should be given a lot more thought.
I think he should have joined doctors without borders, peace corps or whatever it is called, or one of those Christian mission (even though he had a problem with Christians) . He may have found peace in helping those who suffered more then him
I think you missed the section of his letter stating that part of his decision was based on his internal desire to hurt others. He truly felt if unchecked his darkness would lead him to take life other than his own. His decision for him was not only a release from his torment, but a protection of others.
Rest well, Bill. I never knew you directly but after this insight into who you were, I do wish I had.
The old town drunk died. His two sons, the bank president and the new town drunk were at his funeral. An onlooker, surprised at how different the two sons were, asked each one how he turned out the way he did.
The bank president responded, "With a father like that, how else could I turn out?"
The new town drunk responded, "With a father like that, how else could I turn out?"
FWIW, I am like the bank president. I have no idea why. All I know is that no matter whatever anyone ever did to me, it didn't matter. I have no idea if someone who turned out like the new town drunk can change (although I imagine it happens all the time). All I do know is that it is possible for a victim to succeed and overcome all of his "darkness".
If anyone has any history remotely close to OP's and is entertaining similar thoughts, feel free to contact me off-line. I will tell you right now what I'll respond with: absolutely nothing. Because I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how to become successful after being abused. But I do know that it's possible; I am living proof. Sometimes, just knowing that something is possible is enough to pursue it until you get it.
I'm truly sorry that OP's story ended like it did. Especially sorry because I know it could have been different. I just don't know how. Now no one will.