I think what saddens me most about this note is his experience with counseling professionals
I can relate to that part of the note. With one (minor?) exception, I've never seen a proper doctor about my issues, but I've been to a number of counselors over the years. Almost all of them have been completely useless to me, because I can clearly see that I'm not safe there.
I think it's a bit like the situation Mr. Zeller faced. I don't want to go far into my issues, because this isn't the place for that and, even if it were, my issues are nothing compared to his, but suffice it to say that in high school I was pretty concerned about my ability to manage my anger. I managed to tell a guidance counselor this, one I'd known since I started high school (she had first been my French teacher, then was assigned to me when she transitioned into counseling), and asked to be referred to a counselor before I hurt someone.
When I was with the counselor, however, although I was there explicitly because I was worried about hurting people, I was always measured in my responses. I limited what I said because I was always trying to determine where exactly the line was where a counselor becomes legally obligated to report me to someone, and I tried my damnedest to stay on my side of that line. It limited what I said, and it limited how much I could get out of the experience, and so ultimately everything broke down and the counselor more or less told me to come back when I was willing to actually talk. I ended up getting basically nothing out of the experience, except for some extra time with my grandparents since they lived near the counselors office. Considering my grandfather died in April, and I still think of him every day, I suppose I should be grateful for the experience because even if I got fuck all out of the actual counseling, I still got to see my grandparents more.
My experience with counseling inclines me to say that you took fuck all out of the counseling, not the other way around. It sounds like your issue in high school wasn't just anger, it was anger that might hurt someone. That's a part of the problem that needs to be addressed, even if a counselor deems it necessary to report you.
But — obviously nothing is that black and white, especially not after just a few sentences of background information. Just as there are crap professors, there are crap counselors. If you ever give it another shot, I'd suggest seeing a few of them (first sessions can usually be free) and finding one you feel comfortable with.
I agree that it might not be the right place to get really deep into this. Feel free to email me.
I didn't think there was imminent danger of hurting anyone, just that if I left it unchecked it could get to a stage where eventually I couldn't control it anymore. I was there seeking guidance on how to stop something from potentially becoming an issue, but I was always mindful that someone could see it as a more imminent threat than I believed it was, and would report me.
I have trust issues in addition to the anger issues (the anger issues are mostly controlled now, though the trust issues remain) and so I could never feel free to open up to a counselor because that would make me vulnerable. If you have a minor problem but opening up leaves you vulnerable to major complications, then you're understandably less likely to open up because the risk isn't worth the reward.
Counselors are a bit like HR. In theory, they can help you, but in practice they're often not worth the risk since putting anything into "official channels" makes everything formal and there are rigid procedures to follow. I'd rather talk to a friend than a counselor, just like it's often better to informally take problems up with your manager rather than reporting the issue to HR.
One thing you have to realize is that a counselor/doctor is not your friend, but someone that helps you solve your problems with professional advice (level of competency varies of course).
Getting over any recurrent destructive mood is much like a war. First you need to go to war, then you need strategies, you need to work on it and there's going to be pain involved, with multiple battles won and lost.
Going to counseling is one way to do it, another would be medication, or support groups or just good friends that care. Either way you have to deal with it and it isn't warm and cozy.
One thing you have to realize is that a counselor/doctor is not your friend
For a person dealing with trust issues, this sort of realization shatters any chance of progress, at least in my personal experience.
I can't feel safe if I think I could say the wrong word and have the cops drag me off for questioning. That's why I never got anywhere with counseling. For a person with trust issues, it's extremely important that you feel safe in counseling since you're making yourself extremely vulnerable by exposing yourself to them.
I've since dealt with a lot of my issues on my own. I haven't hurt myself intentionally in over two years, and that was an anomaly. It had been over two years since I had last hurt myself at that point.
The point is that these aren't easy problems, and there are no easy solutions.
If you are still afraid of crossing some sort of invisible line where your doctor/counselor is required to report you, then I would suggest that you research that a bit so that you know where that line is yourself. Then you can evaluate whether or not you think that you'll be able to fully open up without worrying about crossing that line. It may be worth the time/effort that you put into the research.
And fortunately counselors and doctors are humans as well, and you can find ones that will care personally about you. In this case "friend" is a loaded term, because of course it is true that you are paying for professional services, but on the other hand, friendship is not exactly a well-defined term, and there are some pretty tenuous and abusive reasons underlying a lot of real friendships.
I've had a couple really good counselors, and the sense of trust and genuine caring is actually better than with most friends. Part of it is that there are no social dynamics to worry about within a group of friends, and another is that this person is a professional who has a much greater chance of having the tools and experience to deal with what are very difficult and private issues.
Now my issues were not with trust, so I'm not trying to say that trust is easy. All I'm saying is that there are counselors out there who are worthy of your trust.
I can relate to that part of the note. With one (minor?) exception, I've never seen a proper doctor about my issues, but I've been to a number of counselors over the years. Almost all of them have been completely useless to me, because I can clearly see that I'm not safe there.
I think it's a bit like the situation Mr. Zeller faced. I don't want to go far into my issues, because this isn't the place for that and, even if it were, my issues are nothing compared to his, but suffice it to say that in high school I was pretty concerned about my ability to manage my anger. I managed to tell a guidance counselor this, one I'd known since I started high school (she had first been my French teacher, then was assigned to me when she transitioned into counseling), and asked to be referred to a counselor before I hurt someone.
When I was with the counselor, however, although I was there explicitly because I was worried about hurting people, I was always measured in my responses. I limited what I said because I was always trying to determine where exactly the line was where a counselor becomes legally obligated to report me to someone, and I tried my damnedest to stay on my side of that line. It limited what I said, and it limited how much I could get out of the experience, and so ultimately everything broke down and the counselor more or less told me to come back when I was willing to actually talk. I ended up getting basically nothing out of the experience, except for some extra time with my grandparents since they lived near the counselors office. Considering my grandfather died in April, and I still think of him every day, I suppose I should be grateful for the experience because even if I got fuck all out of the actual counseling, I still got to see my grandparents more.